Blog & Video Archives

Past Bridge Street Mental Health segment with accompanying text.

Thanksgiving & Stress

Thanksgiving & Stress

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and many families are busy with cooking or travel plans.  Although this is a festive time of year, there are those for whom the season is difficult and filled with pain.

Sometimes the contrast between the Norman Rockwell painting and a person’s reality can be depressing. Indeed, having unrealistically high expectations may  create unnecessary disappointment.    https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/housecall-10-tips-for-coping-with-holiday-stress/

Besides the hype there are all kinds of reasons that can cause problems.  Physical or emotional illness, financial or work stress, marital conflicts, recent loss or loneliness are just a few of some of the challenges that can complicate holiday celebrations.

Likewise, when extended family members or friends gather, long standing feuds and political differences may be a source of strife. So, today I want to offer some tips that can reduce your stress and increase your joy for the holiday season, whatever the problem : 

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LETTING GO OF SHAME

LETTING GO OF SHAME

Shame is one of the most common and destructive of all human emotions.  Further, I can say, without reservation or qualification, that shame is a completely useless experience. One of my goals as a therapist is to help eliminate shame whenever I encounter it.

Sadly, many folks misunderstand what shame is. Even dictionaries confuse it with guilt Shame Definition & Meaning – Merriam-Webster. To be clear, guilt is what we feel when we do something that we know is wrong.  Guilt refers to feelings of regret over having done something that violates our sense of morality or ethics. Guilt is something that you can do something about to make amends. 

I disagree with Webster.  Shame does not stem from behavior. I believe that the sense of shame that a person feels stems from an underlying lack of self-worth. It is the comprehensive feeling of self-condemnation for who one is. Shame is an irrational, pervasive, and negative sense of self that falsely seems hopeless and unchangeable. 

Another important thing to know is that shame is learned. People have a natural sense of embarrassment but not shame. Shame is the consequence of abuse, be it physical, emotional or verbal.     

With these thoughts in mind, I want to focus today on sexual shame: where it comes from, how to get rid of it and how not to shame others.  

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WAR ,MEDIA and KIDS

WAR ,MEDIA and KIDS

The Hamas attacks and Israel’s response have shocked the world.  In response, the media has gone with wall-to-wall coverage of the bloody details. 

Apart from the devastation itself, the accelerated ways that we receive information from the 24/7 media has created a collateral problem.  Fifty years ago people learned about the Viet Nam war on the six o’clock news.  Today, however, the omni-present media coverage has greatly intensified our experience of these horrifying events.  

As a result, it’s well documented that the incessant flood of bad news has had a negative impact on our emotional health.  For example , graphic descriptions of things like beheadings or setting innocent people on fire are simply too much . As a result, folks are reporting that they feel more anxious and depressed than usual.  

Given how much kids use their phones, the effects on children can be even worse.  Graphic stories and images available on smart phones make those far-away threats feel like they are right next door. Further, the problem is only going to get worse. It is clear that the war is just beginning and the news is not likely to get better in the foreseeable future. 

In light of this reality, parents need to be on the lookout for tell-tale signs of trouble. Things like nightmares, out of character crying and other unexplained frightened behaviors could be warning signs to check out.

That said, many parents tell me that they are not sure  how to react or what to say to their young ones for whom the war is upsetting.  Here are some basic guidelines for helping children deal with disturbing news:

(These tips can not only help you to help your children concerning the war but they also can promote better, over-all communication in the family: How to Talk With Your Child About the Israel-Gaza War – HealthyChildren.org )

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SPIRITUAL ANXIETY

SPIRITUAL ANXIETY

People often ask me about the origins of pastoral counseling. While I have written about what pastoral counseling is Pastoral Counseling ? | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com) , I haven’t  spent much time explaining its history or its therapeutic foundations.

Historically, clergy have always counseled people with their problems but often their guidance was given clinical training or expertise.  However in the early 60s, things changed.

A group of ministers who were also trained psychotherapy got together to form a professional group of pastoral counselors. They called their organization  the American Association of Pastoral Counseling.

AAPC’s goal was to elevate the quality  of pastoral counseling by requiring more clinical training, supervision and personal therapy for therapists. 

Pastoral counselors offered a holistic approach to psychotherapy which included religious experience.  This new perspective integrated the psychological and spiritual dimensions of life and its problems.

Not everyone cheered this development. Fundamentalist skeptics condemned professional pastoral counselor for putting psychology ahead of the Bible and  of turning to psychotherapy. They viewed science as a threat to traditional religion. 

Rather than being a threat to faith, pastoral counseling sought to reduce the tension between religion and science.  Pastoral counselors understand science and religion as complementary. Rather than conflicting, they function on two different levels of reality: the physical and the metaphysical (spiritual).  

Although religion and science dwell in different realms, they are not disjointed. Earlier in the 20th century, Christian theologians like Rudolf Bultmann believed that the mythic husk of tradition religious language contained a valuable kernel of truth which needed to revealed to fully understood .

Pastoral counseling uses existential psychology to translate/de-mythologize religion’s supernatural/pre-scientific language into expression which are more understandable to the modern world. Psychology provides a way to understand ancient religious wisdom in modern terms.

The existential theologian, Paul Tillich, identified anxiety as the human experience which bridges both worlds of religion and psychology.  In his book ,The Courage to Be,  he explains how spiritual anxiety underlies psychological anxiety. Paul Tillich – excerpts from “The Courage to Be” – Religious Naturalism

To fully appreciate the significance of Tillich’s insights, it’s important to understand how anxieties differ and how to tell them apart: 

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JIMMY BUFFETT AND FUN

JIMMY BUFFETT AND FUN

Like millions of others, I was saddened by the news of Jimmy Buffett’s passing. But I was frustrated by the term used by a number of media outlets to describe the significance of his life and music : escapism.  https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/02/arts/jimmy-Buffett-dead.html?fbclid=IwAR16ox4eBhTkMHnSUGp_88lndNnGy6KjitCVhJAHMAFGCsThb4wm1gWGOYc

Rather than escapism, Buffett understood what many others do not:  namely that having fun is important.  As a therapist I would say that leisure time is not a luxury ; it is an integral part of balanced life style.  Indeed, his life expressed this balance. In addition to being a successful musician and entrepreneur, he always found time for leisure.  As he has aid on numerous occasions, “It’s important to have as much fun as possible while we’re here.

Frankly,  fun is an interesting word which deseerves more respect. Everyone likes ot have fun but fun itself is seen as trivial and the ursuit of which is not respected. Today I want to share some thoughts to address the under-appreciatiion of fun. I suggest, that despite its trivial associations, having fun it a vital part of a healthy life style.

Given  the high level of stress so many experience, Buffett’s perspective on life is a much-needed counterbalance to America’s dominant, hard-work ethic. This stern attitude has permeated the American psyche since our country’s inception. Here are some thoughts to help you bring your work/play division in balance.   

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Labor Day & Self Care

Labor Day & Self Care

With Labor Day approaching, we mark the end of summer qnd the start of school and the Fall season.   Historically, the Labor Day holiday is a tribute to the contributions that the American worker and organized labor unions have made to our country. 

In addition to its social significance, I want us to recognize the contribution Labor Day has made to America’s  mental health, i.e. its appreciation of the importance of self-care.  APPRECIATING THE DEEPER SIGNIFICANCE OF LABOR DAY: The importance of leisure and self care | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)  

It must not be forgotten that the American labor movement gave us important self-care structures such as the week-end and the 40 hour work-week.  These work-limits, which we now take for granted, were mightily opposed by many and were difficult to attain.  Implicitly,  these  work-rules recognized the necessity for workers to have time off from work and to enjoy leisure and rest  . 

Despite the immense work-place progress which allows for self-care, many still minimize the importance of self-care.  So, today I want to take a deep dive into the basics of what real self-care involves. 

Specifically, having restful sleep, good nutrition, physical activity, adequate leisure, knoiwing effective  stress management, having strong social relationships and getting regular medical/psychological wellness exams are vital for us to be at our best. In doing so, we can learn how these 7 elements work together to promote our mental health and happiness.

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Talking or Arguing.

Talking or Arguing.

You probably know that communications is a big deal in couples therapy.  Although not # 1, numerous surveys have found that, along with money and sex, poor communications is one of the most common reasons that couples seek counseling. 

Indeed, many partners report that  talking to one another is so bad that they have completely given up on even trying to discuss problems. That’s because what starts out as a simple conversation often winds up as an unpleasant argument. 

Today I will show you why you need to 1) Stop using You Statements, 2) Start using You-Statments and 3) Begin using a Marital Journal will help you to dramatically transform your intimate communcateions.

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SEX AS A HOBBY ?

SEX AS A HOBBY ?

In trying to keep up with “what’s happening now” in the field of sexuality, I came across  the phrase “sex-as-a-hobby”.   Recently, this way of looking at sex has become popular, especially among those who identify as asexual. They find the perspective useful because it understands sex as something that one does and not as a defining characteristic of who one is. Sex As A Hobby: A Transhumanist’s Perspective – Philosophy, Politics, and Science – Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

Others, such as sex coach Ruth Ramsay, employ  the sex-as-a-hobby approach to de-mystify the highly emotional topic of sexuality.  She finds the concept useful to help couples learn to discuss and deal with sex-related problems more rationally.   Revamp your sex life in 6 minutes | Ruth Ramsay | TEDxDaltVila – YouTube

At first I laughed at the notion of thinking of sex was like a hobby but, the more I thought  about it, the more I realized that it made sense.,  Although a hobby might not be the best metaphor, we do need to redefine and change how we think about sex. Here’s why:

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Common Porn Myths

Common Porn Myths

Recently, I have noticed a significant up-tick in the numbers of clients contacting me who erroneously feared that they had a pornography addiction.  After a careful examination, it was clear that, while they had been suffering from misinformation, they did not have an addiction. 

It needs to be understood from the outset that even though “pornography addiction” is a  popularly used term, I do not find it a help way to conceptualize the problem nor is it listed in the DSM5 as a disorder. Religious or moralistic discussions often denounce problematic masturbation and porn viewing as immoral or a lack of self-control without understanding of its psychological origins. 

Although pornography is part of the problem with which these men struggle , it rarely was not  the root.  Prior childhood trama,  religiously induced guilt and shame about sex and marital dischord are common underlying culprits.

The last time I wrote on this subject was four years agao. A Reasonable Approach for Discussing Masturbation and Pornography: Part 1 | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com) .  Given that misunderstanding has not declinced, I wish to debunk some of the most common myths about  pornography.   

A recent article in Slate on-line provides an excellent segue for this discussion. What NoFap does to your brain: Why so many people who abstain from masturbation end up suicidal. (slate.com)  Although it’s focus is on a particular anti-masturbation effort, NoFap, it provides a goosd summary of  the major false notions about pornography.  

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JOURNALING CONFUSION

JOURNALING CONFUSION

For many years, journaling has been a helpful tool for those dealing with stress and emotional issues. Even our military recognized the benefits of journaling and has incorporated the practice to help deployed soldiers.

It is important to appreciate, however, that not all personal writing is the same . In addition to individual journaling, marital journaling is a distinct practice and can be an important way for couples to improve their intimate communication. 

That said, there are significant differences between individual journaling and marital journaling which need to be understood.
Here are some thoughts to help couples who are confused:

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Suicide: An Update

Suicide: An Update

A recent article in the Syracuse Post-Standard cited the alarming rise in teen-age suicides and homicides beginning with COVID-19 which has continued to the present.  https://www.syracuse.com/us-news/2023/06/suicides-and-homicides-among-young-americans-jumped-early-in-pandemic-study-says.html
What is even more disturbing is the fact that suicide rates were already increasing before the pandemic. https://wjla.com/news/nation-world/more-than-a-mental-health-concern-nationwide-increase-in-suicides-prompts-newquestions?fbclid=IwAR1qWZbKn3G1ex_bv8XryK22NuohENbDSC2v87crC_YCcUBpyLoMM-BWEgI

Given other reports on our current mental health crisis, it’s probably a good time to update what we know about suicide.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT SUICIDE

To begin, an important change which has taken place in suicide discussions is the words that we use to talk about it.  Instead of saying that someone committed suicide,  a better way to express it is to say that the person died by suicide .

While this might seem like a trivial distinction, the change emphasizes the fact that, in most cases, suicide is not a free choice or conscious act. In addition, the traditional expression of committing suicide denotes needless stigma and shame.

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The SG on SM & Kids

The SG on SM & Kids

Recently, you may have heard about the U.S. Surgeon General’s warning to parents about the possible harm that social media poses for children. Surgeon General: Why Social Media Harms Youth Mental Health | Time  Today, I want to summarize and comment on his main concerns.

To begin, social media has a positive side. Studies have shown that  platforms such as Instagram and Facebook provide children outlets for creative expression as well as for making positive social connections. Social media use can be positive for mental health and well-being | News | Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health

That said, the Surgeon General wants parents to know that, at this time, there are no conclusive studies which show that social media is safe or harmless for kids.  Further, there are indications that, for some young adults and situations, social media can be harmful to a child’s mental health in several ways.  Here is a summary of concerns along with some useful tips to help you cope with this omni-present technological reality.  

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ATTACKS ON GAC EXPLAINED

ATTACKS ON GAC EXPLAINED

May is mental health awareness month.  This year I want to explain why some states are banning Gender Affirming Care (GAC) and expose the wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing scam called Gender Explorative Therapy (GET).

To be clear from the get-go, GAC is a legitimate treatment for gender dysphoric young folk . GET is a religiously backed hoax which ignores medical science and is harmful to transgendered non-conforming (TGNC) youth . https://www.nytimes.com/2022/06/15/magazine/gender-therapy.html     

THE ISSUE   Under the misleading banner of protecting children, a number of conservative state legislatures have chosen to pass laws which  follow religious dogma rather than science. 

Opponents of GAC want it banned because they believe  gender dysphoric children, i.e. kids whose gender identity conflicts with the gender which was assigned at birth, is simply a transient emotional confusion and is not a real medical condition.  Thus, they view  the medical aspect of GAC such as puberty blocking drugs,  as not only unnecessary but also harmful.

In fact, the  effort to interfere with necessary medical treatment poses a real threat to the health and well being of gender dysphoric youngsters.    https://wyofile.com/health-experts-gender-affirming-care-saves-lives/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmN2iBhCrARIsAG_G2i4XSt60BiHr5nb8PATeCdfcS0gu92BPDRgRXpT9tqkIw9HnblP9xnAaAtPKEALw_wcB

(Here is a link which lists the large number of medical/ professional organizations  which oppose both the laws banning GAC and GEC. https://transhealthproject.org/resources/medical-organization-statements)

Even worse, the number of states banning GAC is growing. Here is a map which  shows states that are considering such legislation.   https://abcnews.go.com/US/map-gender-affirming-care-targeted-us/story?id=97443087

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ABOUT LEISURE DEFICIENCY

ABOUT LEISURE DEFICIENCY

Recent hospitalization and death statistics related to COVID-19 reveal that the pandemic’s medical threat has dramatically declined. Covid in the U.S.: Latest Maps, Case and Death Counts – The New York Times (nytimes.com) That said, other studies show that the pandemic, together with other factors,  has had a devastating impact on America’s mental health.  Rates of anxiety and depression have risen among all age groups and the number of people seeking counseling is sky-rocketing.
Experts believe that the cause of this  problem is complex and actually pre-dates COVID-19. Such things as the internet and 24/7 on-line and cable news as well as the omni presence of smart phones and social media have over-loaded our ability to process so much distressing information.   Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? – The Atlantic   In other words, it’s not just the alarming content of things like mass shootings or war but the non-stop bombardment of the reports which have created a mental health crisis.

Another crucial element exacerbating the problem is America’s poor level of self-care and trivialized attitude toward leisure.  Studies have shown that  our nation’s traditional hard-work-no time-for play ethic has interfered with our society’s ability to cope with stress. Not giving ourselves sufficient time to recharge has caught many Americans with dead emotional batteries. 

Despite various attempts to educate the public about the importance of self care, disdain for recreation persists. Evidence of this view is seen in Cadillac’s 2014 Super Bowl commercial. In it, a smarmy guy strolls around his pool extoling America’s superior work ethic over European’s who take so many vacations.

His message is that only by working hard can one afford to buy expensive cars.  Ironically, studies have shown that people who push too much and recreate too little are less productive.   Indeed, self-care is not a luxury or waste of time. Leisure is not only important for personal happiness and resilient mental health, it also is necessary for top performance.

In addition to being false, the hard work myth  creates a psychological problem.  The persistence in traditional attitude has caused many to develop a psychological condition that I would call Leisure Deficiency. 

Fortunately, leisure deficiency is treatable. Thus, today, I want to discuss 1) How this false belief arose, 2) How to tell if you suffer from leisure deficiency and 3) Why leisure is important and 4) What can be done to incorporate leisure into your regular routine.

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COVID and Public Mistrust

COVID and Public Mistrust

Last month marks three years since Covid-19 exploded in America and began devastating the world. Sadly, over this period trust in our public health officials and government agencies, like the Centers for Disease Control, has plunged.

Recently,  public health expert, Dr. Leana Wen, commented about the growing mistrust of science and public health policies. Her remarks deserve our attention.  She explained how the government’s messaging about COVID-19 created confusion and mistrust.  I would like to build on her remarks and explain the psychology of public misturst whichhas grown during the crisis. 

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2016

2015

Rekindling Passion: Part Two – The Secret to Re-igniting the Fames of Desire

 

2012

Flirting with Your Spouse

 

2011

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