With all of the bad news flooding the media today, you may have missed an important growing trend. Over the past few years, divorce rates for first-time marriages dropped from 50% to almost 40%. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm

The reason for the change is not fully known. Couples marrying later, at 30 rather than at 21, may be one reason.  Couples having a more realistic understanding of love and marriage is another important factor.

As information increases, more folks are letting go of the traditional yet grossly unrealistic ideas of romantic love (RL).  Specifically, folks today have a better understanding of what love is and what is needed to make a marriage last

Today, I want to contrast RL with Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh’s Emergent Love Model (ELM). Dr. Nasserzadeh’s work provides a useful summary of a more realistic view of love and marriage. Rethinking Relationships: The Emergent Love Model | Psychology Today.

Rather than myths https://revmichaelheath.com/on-romantic-love/, Dr. Nasserzadeh’s model is based on rigorous research that reveals the qualities of good and lasting marriages.  Beyond identifying the essential elements of marriage, this model also dispels the romantic myth concerning love.

This view posits that love is what people experience as a result of a six-factor cluster of loving behaviors. In other words, although an initial attraction may “just happen,” mature and sustainable love requires intentional effort and commitment.

With this in mind, let’s review the basics of romantic love and marriage (RL), and then the more realistic Emergent Love Model (ELM).

Recently, the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee called Dr. Anthony Fauci to testify. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/07/29/us/politics/fauci-testifies-rand-paul.html The context for this hearing was partisan anger over how the Biden Administration handled the COVID-19 pandemic.  Since Dr. Fauci served as the  Chief Medical Advisor to the president, he recommended many of the controversial policies.

As part of the proceedings, details from Dr. Fauci’s diary were revealed. While I do not wish to comment on political issues, I do need to object to what I view as a serious moral and ethical violation by the committee in revealing private diary entries to the public. I am disturbed by the violation of Dr. Fauci’s privacy. The fact that this journal was written on a government server does not mitigate the offense.   Further, I want to clarify any misunderstanding folks may have about journals and emphasize why keeping them private is essential.

Journaling: the basics.

To be clear, a diary or personal journal is a private written record of one’s experiences. It is an exercise in which a person reflects on and sorts through their deepest thoughts, feelings, and concerns freely and without fear of condemnation or judgment.

Obviously, diaries differ emotionally from other sorts of writing. Specifically, they provide a space to be psychologically vulnerable while exploring embarrassing or disturbing issues.

The Science Behind Journaling

While journaling is an ancient practice, https://www.historyofinformation.com/detail.php?id=5026  , the science behind it is a more recent development.  https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=4552b   . When thoughts and feelings are put into words, brain activity shifts from the right hemisphere, where distress is felt, to the left side, where the experience can be understood and analyzed.  The impact of this shift is to lower stress levels by as much as 38%. https://childmind.org/blog/the-power-of-journaling

It is not surprising, given the research, that primary process journaling, as counselors like to call it, is a crucial part of the therapeutic process. In addition to psychotherapy, journaling is an important part of good mental health practices.

Today I want to talk about the difficult and complicated problem of internet pornography. The proliferation of internet-based porn staggers the imagination and creates many problems for both individuals and relationships. 

As a therapist, I have noticed a significant uptick in the number of clients contacting me for what they refer to as a porn addiction.  While the term porn addiction is widely used, both the American Psychological Association and the WHO (World Health Organization) do not recognize porn addiction as a stand-alone diagnosis or psychological disorder.

Technically, the current diagnostic term found in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) for excessive and uncontrollable urges to masturbate to pornography is Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD).  If a person feels out of control with porn or if masturbating is interfering with important aspects of his life or relationship, talking to a counselor can help. Understanding the source of their obsession and learning better ways to cope will relieve distress and restore control.

Sex isn’t the Problem

The key to understanding compulsive porn use, like with any compulsive behavior, is to realize that the behavior itself is not the problem. The use of pornography is an inadequate attempt to cope with an underlying problem.  Thus, effective treatment requires both identifying and addressing the root cause. 

For example, a person who abuses alcohol often uses drinking as a way to numb or provide relief from the pain caused by something like anxiety or a loss that they feel overwhelmed by and don’t know how to resolve.   Once they recognize the problem and are confident that they have the resources and plan to deal with it, the need for alcohol diminishes. The same is true for sexual compulsions.    

The last time I wrote on this subject was seven years ago. A Reasonable Approach for Discussing Masturbation and Pornography: Part 1 | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY(revmichaelheath.com)  Given that misunderstanding has not declined, I wish to review and debunk some of the most persistent myths about compulsive masturbation and pornography.  Let me be clear, however, while debunking myths, I am not promoting pornography.  My only concern is that folks know the facts.       

I want to talk about sex or, to be more precise, about what is normal sex?  What do you think is normal ?  I want to explore this topic because a lot of my clients worry that what they’re doing or not doing wasn’t normal.

For example, they are anxious about not having enough sex, orgasms, or even interest.  Upon investigating, however,  most are worried over nothing.  BAD IDEAS ABOUT GOOD SEX | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

So that we are all on the same page, let’s start with some definitions:

Defining Sex.

To begin, by sex is a broad range of activities involving physical intimacy, erotic stimulation, and contact with reproductive organs or erogenous zones and non- erogenous areas. People engage in it for pleasure, emotional bonding, and reproduction Sex – Wikipedia  to which I would also add personal satisfaction.The female sexual response: a different model – PubMed     The Evolution of our Knowledge of Sexual Response

Sex is more than physical activity; it also involves biological, emotional, and relational responses. As we shall see, research expanded our understanding of sex to include these other elements over the past few decades.

What is normal ?

There is no denying that over the past few years, civility in political rhetoric has declined. Unfortunately, the crudeness of our politicians has also coarsened the discourse of many regular Americans. Given this regrettable trend, it seems to be a good time to step back and remember that advocating for a position can be done respectfully and without vulgarity     .http://Assertiveness | Psychology Today

Effective civil advocacy is called assertiveness. From the get-go, it needs to be emphasized that angry, obscene, and abusive language has no place in assertive dialog.   Nonetheless, many erroneously assume that incivility and assertiveness go hand in hand.  Given that common myth,  let’s set the record straight. Secrets of Assertiveness 101: | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Defining Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a social skill that relies heavily on effective communication while simultaneously respecting the thoughts and wishes of others. People who are assertive clearly and respectfully communicate their wants, needs, positions, and boundaries to others.

While this definition is pretty straightforward, it’s important to also understand some of the common misconceptions connected to assertiveness. For example:

The recent merger of right-wing politics with Evangelical Christianity confuses clients who seek counseling from a pastoral counselor. So, I want to share some thoughts about what pastoral counseling means for me.

Pastoral Counseling in Perspective

Looking back over the years since Pine Ridge began, I realize how dynamic Pastoral Counseling (PC) is. Pastoral Counseling recognizes that not all emotional problems are pathological. Life transitions,loss and death raise profound spiritual questions that benefit from counseling.  Also, PC demonstrates how faith and psychology can work together to improve mental health.

For example, PC familiar Bible stories, such as the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42), dramatize important psychological concepts. In Luke’s story, for example, folks can see how anxiety and feeling overwhelmed masquerade as irritability and anger.

Over the years, however, things changed. Unfortunately, many of my clients reported emotional trauma connected to their experience with religion. Instead of increasing a sense of love and gratitude, religion deepened their sense of sinfulness and unworthiness.

Rather than translating psychological concepts into more familiar biblical or theological ones, my role evolved to addressing abuses of religious teaching.  Toxic religion can seriously damage self-esteem and create false and debilitating feelings of guilt and shame.  Examples of Toxic Theology and Religious Trauma – Death, Grief, and Belief

Sadly, the media gives attention to sexual abuse by clergy but often overlooks the more subtle damage of harmful religious doctrines. Indeed, not enough light shines on the psychological harm created by corrosive religious teaching.

With this in mind, here are some telltale signs of harmful religion to watch out for.  toxic religion | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

DOES YOUR MARRIAGE NEED A TUNE-UP ?

How are things going in your marriage?  Are you having more arguments and less sex ? Do you feel distant from one another ?  Are you laughing less and shouting more ?

The fact is, even the best marriages go through dry patches and rough times.  That’s because intimate relationships are complicated and don’t run all by themselves. They require ongoing care and effort.  That’s why it’s important to have a marital tune-up from time to time, when a couple reflects on what areas may need improvement.  Marriage Tune-up | The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology

With that in mind, when’s the last time you thought about how well your marriage was running?  If you’re like many folks, it’s been a while.  Rather than thinking of marriage as something that takes care of itself, it’s more helpful to think of a relationship like an automobile that requires regular maintenance to run smoothly.

If talking about a tune-up sounds too mechanical, giving your marriage a spring cleaning is another way to think about marital relationship maintenance. Spring Cleaning Your Marriage: Tips for Rejuvenating Romance | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY  However you refer to it, it’s important to take time to assess and address what isn’t working before it becomes a serious problem.

With that in mind, here are some tips for dealing with the most common problems in marriage.  While a tune-up takes some effort, you’ll be amazed by what a difference it makes.

Science Assaulted with the Reprieve of Reparative “Therapy”

With the soaring price of gas, the Iran War, and the Supreme Court’s latest assault on civil rights, Americans have a lot to worry about. Don’t look now, but there is another, ongoing problem that is getting worse, viz., the growing anti-science mentality of our government’s leadership.

It’s time for America to restore respect for science. Not only does the misinformation regarding things like climate change, transgender issues, or vaccines defy reason, but it also poses serious risks to our nation’s health and well-being.

Even more discouraging is seeing the Supreme Court continue to chip away at settled science.  Consider how they recently overturned Colorado’s law, which banned reparative therapy (RT) https://www.npr.org/2026/03/31/nx-s1-5768170/the-supreme-court-struck-down-a-ban-on-conversion-therapy-in-colorado

This ruling is a serious blow to the authority of medical and psychotherapeutic science.  In response,  California’s legislature moved to bolster its ban it. In turn,  the Washington Post (Post) ran an editorial accusing the California legislature of choosing ideology over freedom of speech. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2026/04/23/californias-conversion-therapy-bill-puts-ideology-over-free-speech/?fbclid=IwY2xjawRYWyBleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZBAyMjIwMzkxNzg4MjAwODkyAAEeuhPPM6Xvc_ndkNuK6zxQrcCDFrYon5iBmcQgCqiNUsOiqW62c-TAvRG779s_aem_01ftp_xEu-gaKRAP1lmMXg

Further, it condemned California’s legislature’s bill for holding reparative practitioners liable for damages. https://kesq.com/news/2026/04/19/california-responds-to-supreme-court-ruling-on-conversion-therapy-with-new-bill  . It argues that a therapist’s freedom of speech trumps the anti-reparative therapy claims, which it calls ideological.

As a licensed mental health counselor, I disagree.  (Reparative therapy’ | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY)  Specifically, the Post editorial is wrong on two counts:

1) Opposition to reparative therapy is based on science and not ideology, and                        2) Psychotherapists, like other medical professionals, do not have the same liberty of speech as in private conversations or public debate.  Here’s why:

AGEISM AND THE STIGMA OF SENIOR SEXUALITY

Recently, I attended a workshop about sexual well-being for seniors, and it was a real eye-opener.  Although my practice specializes in human sexuality, I was surprised me to learn just how much the healthcare system fails older folks when it comes to sex.  Neglect in attending to their sexual needs increases their risk of both physical and emotional disorders.  . Here are some things to think about:

Senior Citizens: A Growing Population

For those who wonder why be concerned about seniors, it is important to understand that their population is growing. Currently, almost 1 in 5 are over 65 and 1 in 4 is over 60.  In terms of numbers, there are over 86 million Americans aged 65 or older. Get the Facts on Older Americans. Given this trend,  the number of folks affected by the problem will only increase

AGEISM

Let’s face it, our youth-oriented culture is ageist, especially when it comes to sex. Ageism is a stereotypical discrimination toward individuals based solely on advanced age. For example, seniors are often believed to be asexual, because they’re “just “too old.

Ageism also involves more than individual discrimination. It also affects physician education and institutional structures. Indeed, many medical school curricula often make learning aboutthe sexual well-being of older folks optional.

Even worse, Institutions fail to provide policies or structures that allow or promote physical intimacy for their residents. Many assisted living facilities do not recognize the sexual rights of their older residents and actively discourage any sexual behaviors by separating residents who pair off.

Sadly, many nursing homes do not provide basic safe-sex information or encourage them to get help with sex-related problems. Not surprisingly, senior citizen facilities report high rates of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections.