Over the years, I’ve found that it’s difficult for men to listen to their wives, i.e. really hear what she is trying say. Part of the problem is that men and women are psychologically different.

Fundamental differences

A fundamental difference in their emotional makeup creates misunderstanding. According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, 75% of men are, by nature, Ts (thinkers and problem solvers).  On the other hand, 75% of women are Fs (primarily concerned with feelings and getting along).16 Personality Test, discover your personality type, gain insights into potential, interpersonal relationships and career development | 16PersonalityLab AI

These different character traits result in different understandings of what talking is for.  That is, men listen for a problem. When women talk to their mates, they tend to express their emotions.  Men seek to solve a problem while women want to be heard and connected to their partner.   While men often assume that their mates want answers but their partners often really just want empathy.  Becoming a Good Listener: From Advice Giving to Non-Anxious Listener | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY 

You see how the wires get crossed.  For example, after a man listens and offers what he thinks is a good suggestion, instead of being thanked, his wife accuses him of being controlling and of telling her what to do. Indeed, he didn’t understand the upset she was feeling and jumped ahead to trying to solve her problem, even though she hadn’t asked him to.

** (I am not suggesting that men are the only problem when it comes to having intimate communication. Often, women are not direct when they speak and don’t explicitly say what they need. We’ll take this up another time,)

Fortunately, most men are educable and can learn to decode indirect messages and find the underlying feeling tone. However, learning to be empathically present in conversation is more complicated than it\ first appears. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/he-speaks-she-speaks/201602/are-men-really-lousy-listeners

Here are some tips to help you learn to be a better, more empathic listener:

Okay, it’s the beginning of the new year and many folks are energized and filled with lots of good ideas and resolutions to improve their lives.  Numerous studies show, however, that, despite good intentions, most plans for change fall apart in the first week . New Year’s Resolutions | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Don’t get me wrong; I believe that dramatic change is possible and worth the effort.   But, from my 47 years of experience helping people to change, I have learned why many efforts to change, fail.  The Psychology Behind Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

The typical cliches, like a person “didn’t try hard enough” or that they lacked “willpower”, miss the point.  In fact, significant change is difficult.  Significant change is complicated and influenced by unconscious factors.  Indeed, unconscious conflicts are why so many of the self-help books don’t work. It’s not that their advice isn’t sound; factors about which we are unaware, our factors interfere.

Most often, they don’t work because changes we are aware of and want to make are tied to old conflicts we are unaware of. So, if one has had problems reaching a life-change goal , some personal exploration beneath one’s conscious surface will be necessary to succeed.

— Think of an Iceberg

An image that helps conceptualize unconscious obstacles to change is an iceberg.  There is much more to the challenge of changing below the water line than above it.  Thus, it is necessary to look beneath the surface to fully understand both why efforts failed and what is necessary to succeed.

Some Questions to Help You Look Beneath the Surface

Since many people attempt to make changes with an inadequate understanding of the problems involved and without it is no wonder the success rate is so low.   Here are some important questions that will help you peek below the surface if you want to increase your odds of  succeeding:

Over the past few years, it has become a custom at holiday times to reflect on the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). This story provides helpful insight to reduce the stress of family gatherings. Easing Holiday Stress | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Not surprisingly, modern stress management techniques utilize their timeless insights.  Better Ways to Manage Your Holiday Stress | Psychology Today. In keeping with that tradition, I want to focus on Martha and show how her experience can help us to lower our level of anxiety and better deal with the stress that get-togethers can bring.

The Story

To refresh your memory, here is the text of Luke’s timeless account of Martha’s encounter with Jesus: “Now as they went on their way, he entered a village; and a woman named Martha received him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40

 But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she went to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; 42 one thing is needful.[a] Mary has chosen the good portion, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Applying The Story to Our Lives

Even a quick review reveals the relevance of this brief but poignant story. The story exposes a universal human dilemma, i.e., how quickly tension between family members can explode.

Although Martha was eager to please her guests, her distress and resentment toward her sister got the best of her. As a result, resentment led her to overlook the occasion’s larger significance, to be angry with her sister, and to snap at Jesus.

Rather than looking at family dynamics, however, I want to focus on how the experience of stress can corrupt our experience and behavior. Also, I want to highlight how Jesus responded to Martha’s outburst.  He did not react to her crossness in kind. Instead, he calmly identified her anxiety with compassion.

Both Martha’s reaction and Jesus’ response provide helpful clues for us to deal with our stressful holiday situations.

Everyone knows what a sigh is. But, just in case you’ve never really thought about it, and to be clear, a sigh is a natural, involuntary occurrence that is expressed as an audible exhaling of the breath … as in ahhh.

Typically, sighs express either exhaustion, sadness, or relief. Whatever the feeling, physically, there is a release and a sense of relaxation. And that is the point. Today, I want to talk about intentional sighing and how it can provide immediate stress relief in moments of emotional duress or panic.

Of course, there are a variety of breathing exercises used to manage stress and anxiety, https://revmichaelheath.com/tips-for-panic/  Some of them are complicated and or require being in a quiet space to do them.  An important advantage of the intentional sigh is its simplicity and that it can be used anywhere at any time.

How to do an intentional sigh ?

An intentional sigh is sometimes called the physiological sigh. It is like a natural sigh except you can choose (intend) to employ when it’s needed.  The Science of Physiological Sigh: Insights from Huberman Lab – PsychSolutions, Inc – Therapy In Edmonton, AB T5M 4C9

To do an intentional sigh, all you have to do is take 2 quick breaths followed by a long exhale. That’s it!

When to employ an intentional sigh ?

The key to the effectiveness of the intentional sigh is timing. You focus on your breathing as soon as you recognize that you are becoming upset. Becoming aware of brewing upsets starts with paying attention to muscular tension in your body.

Often, physical reaction precedes feeling stressed. For example, some folks will express stress as muscular tension in their chest or stomach area. Others may feel tightness in their shoulders or lower back. Still others may experience headaches or a clenching of their jaw or fist.

Wherever you feel the tension, you can learn to interpret the sensations as a stress alarm sounding.  At this time, the alarm can remind you of your stress response and remind you to take an intentional breath.

In addition to learning how to short-circuit emotional overload, it’s also helpful to understand what happens in our bodies when we feel stressed.

The basics of emotional stress ?

MASCULINITY IN CRISIS: A REASONABLE RESPONSE   

With the government shutdown finally resolved, other important issues are emerging.  Of special concern is the quiet crisis among many young men regarding masculinity and what it means to be a man. Men and masculinity | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

To date, responses are polarized, either demonizing men on one hand or doubling down on traditional machismo. According to a professor and a governor,i there is a better way.

Professor Scott Galloway’s new book Notes on Being a Man and Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom’s recent criticisms of his own party for “walking away” from men suggest a more reasonable alternative. Gavin Newsom says Democratic Party ‘walked away’ from masculinity crisis | Fox News

 Some Background

The crisis with masculinity is a dilemma: How can men be men without being toxic to women?  The term toxic masculinity arose in the wake of high-profile sex abuse trials involving the likes of Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein. What is Toxic Masculinity and How it Impacts Mental Health

The me too.Movement impacted young men differently. For some, it expanded their self-awareness and motivated more respectful behavior toward women,

For others, however, the effect was negative. Multiple studies reveal that it contributed to a number of serious problems, including: Alienation, Rage, Declining Performance, Increasing Clinical Depression and Suicide. (Amanpour and Company | Scott Galloway Sounds the Alarm on the Crisis Facing Young Men | Season 2025 | PBS)

Recently, I wrote about the history of Church's hostile attitude toward sex. Sadly , one unfortunate consequence of its antipathy is the negative impact that it's had on parents' ability to talk rationally about sex with their children.  Frankly, many parents just don't know how to talk to their kids about sex without shaming them. As I look back on my 50 years as an educator, minister, and psychotherapist/marriage counselor,  the biggest obstacle to talking honestly about sex is guilt and shame.  shame | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY To be clear, shame is not simply feeling guilty over doing something wrong. Shame is a much deeper sense of humiliation. Shame is not simply feeling bad about something you did; it involves a negative sense of self.  Folks who feel shame about sex believe that something is fundamentally wrong with them. The worry is often a false belief that their...

Feeling loved and desired is a problem for many couples who have been together for a while. I frequently hear from a husband or wife who feels romantically stuck. Although things weren’t bad in their relationship, they felt that the spark had gone out.

The good news is that, while it’s common for romance and desire to fall into a rut, there are effective ways for couples to work their way out of it.  The key is to learn how to talk to one another about what they are feeling. Intimate Communication | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

The problem is that talking about intimate feelings is difficult. 

The Problem: Bad Habits.

For many folks, talking to one another is difficult because they have gotten out of the habit. While they talked a lot when they first fell in love, over the years, people get busy. Intentionally not setting limits for jobs, kids and other responsibilities results in there being no time for sharing.. Fortunately,  one couples realize the need for creating time for each other, new habits can be created that will rekindle old passions.

Start with Simple Things.

I recently read an article that listed 15 questions that good wives ask their husbands. Women who are excellent wives constantly ask their husbands these 15 questions

In fact, this list of questions was not simply for wives; Husbands can talk with their spouses about them as well. Indeed, these simple and positive questions can help couples who have difficulty talking to one another about their feelings break the ice.

The key is to start slowly and think positively. While serious conversations about interpersonal problems can be difficult, they are doable.  The key is for couples to understand that intimate communication is a process and not a single conversation,

With this understanding, couples realize that issues don’t have to be resolved all at once. Over time, positive experiences with smaller items help couples gain the confidence to speak honestly. This success with small conversations builds the trust necessary for tackling more complicated issues successfully.

With some effort and repetition, however, couples can get the hang of it and learn to share their experience.   With this in mind, let’s look at some helpful conversation starters that can break the ice and begin the journey to better communication:

Recently, a client contacted me to talk about the guilt and embarrassment he felt when talking to his wife about sex. Indeed, over the years, I’ve heard this concern many times. Not surprisingly, he came from a conservative Christian background.

While it is no secret that Christianity has had its problems with sex, many do not know that it was not always that way. Over the years, I’ve discovered that getting to know the history of how sex became an embarrassment helps explain the real source of the underlying conflict. Likewise, increased understanding reduces embarrassment and shame. So, let’s take a look.

History of the Early Church’s Views toward Sex 
Jesus and Paul on Sex

Frankly, the New Testament doesn’t record Jesus talking about sex or say anything about his sexual life. We do know that he had compassion and did not shame the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11).

Stepping back, Christianity’s problem with sex begins with Jesus’s and his early followers’ belief that the end of the world was near and that the Kingdom of God was at hand. (Mark 1:15)  Paul believed that Jesus would return and bring in the new age within his own lifetime. (Thessalonians 4:15–17).

From this point of view, sex becomes unimportant. The Kingdom of God initiated by Jesus was a spiritual reality. In it, male and female distinctions and sex would no longer exist. (Gal. 3:28)

And here is an important fact that is often overlooked.  Even in this Apocalyptic context, early Christians did not have a negative view of sex. They shared Jewish beliefs, which held that sex was fine within the bounds of marriage.  Sex for early Christians was not a negative thing. The Origins of Christian Teachings on Human Sexuality – World History Encyclopedia

TIPS TO COPE WITH DISTURBING NEWS.

The bombshell of Charlie Kirk’s assassination has exploded across the American political scene, creating a wide range of emotions and reactions.  In light of the growing list of politically violent incidents, it is becoming increasingly difficult for folks to process such tragic events and remain calm.  https://www.npr.org/2025/09/11/nx-s1-5537098/a-look-at-recent-acts-of-political-violence-in-the-u-s

Not wishing to comment on politics, I am concerned about the negative psychological impact these reports are having on people’s, including our leaders’, emotional stability.

This concern has been increased by the increased number of calls I’ve received from anxious folks troubled by the shocking details reported in the media.  Many say that they feel overwhelmed by the bombardment of non-stop coverage.

One might think that, given the increased frequency of such events, we would have become less affected by them, but this does not seem to be the case. Kirk’s death is especially poignant, however,  given that it happened the day before the twenty-fourth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

Back then, I wrote about how the chaos of 9/11 affected our spiritual mourning and the foundations of faith. (Syracuse Post Standard 10/1/2001)  Today I want to look at the emotional impact of unexpected horror and offer some tips, based on new research, that can help those who are struggling with anxiety and panic.