Feeling stressed because of upsetting headlines in the news is nothing new. Over the years, I’ve written about how to deal with numerous distressing media reports.  Things like COVID-19, school shootings, and economic woes triggered panicked phone calls from folks seeking relief in counseling. TIPS FOR PANIC | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

More recently, the phones are ringing, especially because of things like ICE’s brutality, the Minneapolis shootings, and the withheld Epstein files. That said, something about these calls is different.  Instead of an issue, folks express anger at Donald Trump.  Not surprisingly, the most recent attack on Iran also spiked panicked calls

Ever since 2015, anxious reactions to Trump have been labeled Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). (Who is credited with coining the phrase ‘Trump derangement syndrome’ (TDS), and why has it gained popularity among pundits, politicians, and others in recent years? – Quora.)  This pseudoscientific perjorative refers to a condition where a person is obsessed and fearful of Donald Trump. (To be clear, the authoritative Diagnostic and Statistical Manual does not recognize this phenomenon as a psychological disorder.)

My concern today is to stress that to be obsessed, i.e., to be worried about disturbing Trump’s actions, is not necessarily pathological.  Quite opposite.  Under certain unusually dangerous conditions, not being obsessed is a state of denial. The difference between an unhealthy and healthy obsession is simple. Unhealthy obsessions are stuck and do not produce results. healthy ones, do. 

Therefore, given the number of distressed calls, I think it is helpful to understand how healthy obsessions function.  I then want to offer some tips for dealing with them.

Even though Valentine’s Day is past, it’s not too late to think about love; it is an opportunity to go beyond the hearts and flowers of the holiday and consider love’s deeper significance. As a therapist, I know that lasting, mature love is much more than desire. The kind of love that sustains a marriage goes beyond simple attraction.  With that in mind, I want to share some thoughts on mature love and offer tips for nurturing true intimacy in a relationship.

The Complex Nature of Love and Desire

Indeed, love is not a simple experience. Unfortunately, the English word does not reveal its nuances. By contrast,  the Greek language has five different words to express the different kinds of love:

— Eros, for sexual desire.                                                                                                                                          — Storge for the instinctual love for one’s children,                                                                                                  — Philia for brotherly or friendship love,                                                                                                                    —  Agape for unconditional, selfless, divine love for others, and                                                                              — Pragma for the mature, secure, committed love between husband and wife.

The components of mature love.

With this understanding, it is important to emphasize that the kind of love needed to sustain an adult relationship in marriage is a combination of three types of love: Eros, Philia and Pragma.

For many reasons, these are very strange times. For someone who helps individuals and couples deal with sexual issues, a glaring paradox stands out:  On one hand, research shows that the use of internet pornography is on the rise.   On the other hand, both individuals and couples report having less sex.

While some suggest that using porn leads to havingless sex, it’s not that simple. There is no convincing evidence that porn use diminishes interest in having sex with a partner.  While not completely understood, here are some of the factors responsible for this perplexing trend:

The Internet and Pornography

The rise of problems connected to pornography correlates directly with the innovation of the internet. The impact of the dramatic change in pornography’s availability accounts for its increased use.

Sexually erotic materials used to be kept from pubic view.  For example, drug stores used to hide Playboy magazines under the counter. Today, however, porn is instantly available to anyone, including children, with the click of a mouse. 2025 Porn Addiction Statistics – Rates, Demographics & Effects – Addiction Resource

To be clear, however, the rise in folks viewing pornography does not mean that most people prefer porn to sex. There are other reasons which explain why folks are having less sex.

Over the years, I’ve found that it’s difficult for men to listen to their wives, i.e. really hear what she is trying say. Part of the problem is that men and women are psychologically different.

Fundamental differences

A fundamental difference in their emotional makeup creates misunderstanding. According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, 75% of men are, by nature, Ts (thinkers and problem solvers).  On the other hand, 75% of women are Fs (primarily concerned with feelings and getting along).16 Personality Test, discover your personality type, gain insights into potential, interpersonal relationships and career development | 16PersonalityLab AI

These different character traits result in different understandings of what talking is for.  That is, men listen for a problem. When women talk to their mates, they tend to express their emotions.  Men seek to solve a problem while women want to be heard and connected to their partner.   While men often assume that their mates want answers but their partners often really just want empathy.  Becoming a Good Listener: From Advice Giving to Non-Anxious Listener | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY 

You see how the wires get crossed.  For example, after a man listens and offers what he thinks is a good suggestion, instead of being thanked, his wife accuses him of being controlling and of telling her what to do. Indeed, he didn’t understand the upset she was feeling and jumped ahead to trying to solve her problem, even though she hadn’t asked him to.

** (I am not suggesting that men are the only problem when it comes to having intimate communication. Often, women are not direct when they speak and don’t explicitly say what they need. We’ll take this up another time,)

Fortunately, most men are educable and can learn to decode indirect messages and find the underlying feeling tone. However, learning to be empathically present in conversation is more complicated than it\ first appears. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/he-speaks-she-speaks/201602/are-men-really-lousy-listeners

Here are some tips to help you learn to be a better, more empathic listener:

Okay, it’s the beginning of the new year and many folks are energized and filled with lots of good ideas and resolutions to improve their lives.  Numerous studies show, however, that, despite good intentions, most plans for change fall apart in the first week . New Year’s Resolutions | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Don’t get me wrong; I believe that dramatic change is possible and worth the effort.   But, from my 47 years of experience helping people to change, I have learned why many efforts to change, fail.  The Psychology Behind Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

The typical cliches, like a person “didn’t try hard enough” or that they lacked “willpower”, miss the point.  In fact, significant change is difficult.  Significant change is complicated and influenced by unconscious factors.  Indeed, unconscious conflicts are why so many of the self-help books don’t work. It’s not that their advice isn’t sound; factors about which we are unaware, our factors interfere.

Most often, they don’t work because changes we are aware of and want to make are tied to old conflicts we are unaware of. So, if one has had problems reaching a life-change goal , some personal exploration beneath one’s conscious surface will be necessary to succeed.

— Think of an Iceberg

An image that helps conceptualize unconscious obstacles to change is an iceberg.  There is much more to the challenge of changing below the water line than above it.  Thus, it is necessary to look beneath the surface to fully understand both why efforts failed and what is necessary to succeed.

Some Questions to Help You Look Beneath the Surface

Since many people attempt to make changes with an inadequate understanding of the problems involved and without it is no wonder the success rate is so low.   Here are some important questions that will help you peek below the surface if you want to increase your odds of  succeeding:

Over the past few years, it has become a custom at holiday times to reflect on the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). This story provides helpful insight to reduce the stress of family gatherings. Easing Holiday Stress | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Not surprisingly, modern stress management techniques utilize their timeless insights.  Better Ways to Manage Your Holiday Stress | Psychology Today. In keeping with that tradition, I want to focus on Martha and show how her experience can help us to lower our level of anxiety and better deal with the stress that get-togethers can bring.

The Story

To refresh your memory, here is the text of Luke’s timeless account of Martha’s encounter with Jesus: “Now as they went on their way, he entered a village; and a woman named Martha received him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40

 But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she went to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; 42 one thing is needful.[a] Mary has chosen the good portion, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Applying The Story to Our Lives

Even a quick review reveals the relevance of this brief but poignant story. The story exposes a universal human dilemma, i.e., how quickly tension between family members can explode.

Although Martha was eager to please her guests, her distress and resentment toward her sister got the best of her. As a result, resentment led her to overlook the occasion’s larger significance, to be angry with her sister, and to snap at Jesus.

Rather than looking at family dynamics, however, I want to focus on how the experience of stress can corrupt our experience and behavior. Also, I want to highlight how Jesus responded to Martha’s outburst.  He did not react to her crossness in kind. Instead, he calmly identified her anxiety with compassion.

Both Martha’s reaction and Jesus’ response provide helpful clues for us to deal with our stressful holiday situations.

Everyone knows what a sigh is. But, just in case you’ve never really thought about it, and to be clear, a sigh is a natural, involuntary occurrence that is expressed as an audible exhaling of the breath … as in ahhh.

Typically, sighs express either exhaustion, sadness, or relief. Whatever the feeling, physically, there is a release and a sense of relaxation. And that is the point. Today, I want to talk about intentional sighing and how it can provide immediate stress relief in moments of emotional duress or panic.

Of course, there are a variety of breathing exercises used to manage stress and anxiety, https://revmichaelheath.com/tips-for-panic/  Some of them are complicated and or require being in a quiet space to do them.  An important advantage of the intentional sigh is its simplicity and that it can be used anywhere at any time.

How to do an intentional sigh ?

An intentional sigh is sometimes called the physiological sigh. It is like a natural sigh except you can choose (intend) to employ when it’s needed.  The Science of Physiological Sigh: Insights from Huberman Lab – PsychSolutions, Inc – Therapy In Edmonton, AB T5M 4C9

To do an intentional sigh, all you have to do is take 2 quick breaths followed by a long exhale. That’s it!

When to employ an intentional sigh ?

The key to the effectiveness of the intentional sigh is timing. You focus on your breathing as soon as you recognize that you are becoming upset. Becoming aware of brewing upsets starts with paying attention to muscular tension in your body.

Often, physical reaction precedes feeling stressed. For example, some folks will express stress as muscular tension in their chest or stomach area. Others may feel tightness in their shoulders or lower back. Still others may experience headaches or a clenching of their jaw or fist.

Wherever you feel the tension, you can learn to interpret the sensations as a stress alarm sounding.  At this time, the alarm can remind you of your stress response and remind you to take an intentional breath.

In addition to learning how to short-circuit emotional overload, it’s also helpful to understand what happens in our bodies when we feel stressed.

The basics of emotional stress ?

MASCULINITY IN CRISIS: A REASONABLE RESPONSE   

With the government shutdown finally resolved, other important issues are emerging.  Of special concern is the quiet crisis among many young men regarding masculinity and what it means to be a man. Men and masculinity | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

To date, responses are polarized, either demonizing men on one hand or doubling down on traditional machismo. According to a professor and a governor,i there is a better way.

Professor Scott Galloway’s new book Notes on Being a Man and Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom’s recent criticisms of his own party for “walking away” from men suggest a more reasonable alternative. Gavin Newsom says Democratic Party ‘walked away’ from masculinity crisis | Fox News

 Some Background

The crisis with masculinity is a dilemma: How can men be men without being toxic to women?  The term toxic masculinity arose in the wake of high-profile sex abuse trials involving the likes of Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein. What is Toxic Masculinity and How it Impacts Mental Health

The me too.Movement impacted young men differently. For some, it expanded their self-awareness and motivated more respectful behavior toward women,

For others, however, the effect was negative. Multiple studies reveal that it contributed to a number of serious problems, including: Alienation, Rage, Declining Performance, Increasing Clinical Depression and Suicide. (Amanpour and Company | Scott Galloway Sounds the Alarm on the Crisis Facing Young Men | Season 2025 | PBS)

Recently, I wrote about the history of Church's hostile attitude toward sex. Sadly , one unfortunate consequence of its antipathy is the negative impact that it's had on parents' ability to talk rationally about sex with their children.  Frankly, many parents just don't know how to talk to their kids about sex without shaming them. As I look back on my 50 years as an educator, minister, and psychotherapist/marriage counselor,  the biggest obstacle to talking honestly about sex is guilt and shame.  shame | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY To be clear, shame is not simply feeling guilty over doing something wrong. Shame is a much deeper sense of humiliation. Shame is not simply feeling bad about something you did; it involves a negative sense of self.  Folks who feel shame about sex believe that something is fundamentally wrong with them. The worry is often a false belief that their...