Declining Divorce Rates Research Reveals the Keys to Successful Marriage
With all of the bad news flooding the media today, you may have missed an important and growing trend. Over the past few years, divorce rates for first-time marriages dropped from 50% to almost 40%. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
The reason for the change is complex and not fully known. One cultural shift is the fact that people are marrying later than they used to. The average age for marriage is now 30 rather than 21. Another change is that they have a more realistic understanding of love and marriage than they used to. https://ifstudies.org/blog/divorce-in-decline-about-40-of-todays-marriages-will-end-in-divorce
As information increases, more folks are letting go of the traditional yet grossly unrealistic ideas of romantic love (RL). Specifically, folks today have a better, more realistic understanding of what love is and what it takes to make a marriage last. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4244648/
Today, I want to identify the specific characteristics of a more realistic view of love and marriage and contrast it with more traditional notions of romantic love (RL). Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh researches successful marriages and has accumulated data from hundreds of couples. Her Emergent Love Model (ELM) provides a useful summary of the important changes. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-by-design/202504/rethinking-relationships-the-emergent-love-model
Rather than myths https://revmichaelheath.com/on-romantic-love/ , Dr. Nasserzadeh’s model is based on rigorous research that reveals the qualities of good and lasting marriages. Beyond identifying the essential elements of marriage, this model also exposes the failings of traditional notions of RL.
This research shows that there are six elements-factors that create strong and stable bonds. Unlike romantic myths, a realistic view recognizes that successful marriages result from intentional effort and commitment. With this in mind, let’s review the key parts of successful marriages.
The Key Elements of Successful Marriages
A crucial difference in the traditional romantic view of love lies in two key aspects. Successful marriages understand that love is more than attraction and is not magical or entirely beyond our control. Put simply, loving behaviors create love.
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: Although essential, romantic notions exaggerate the importance of physical/sexual attraction and are oblivious to the fact that caring and considerate behaviors can create attraction
RESPECT: In addition to passion, successful marriages express concern for the whole person. Respect acknowledges the loved one’s individuality, fundamental boundaries, and privacy. It pays attention and listens to what each partner has to say.
TRUST: Partners in genuine loving relationships feel trust. Trust is built through reliable, consistent behavior over time. While people aren’t perfect, being supportive, keeping promises, and doing what is expected of you foster a sense of safety, which is necessary for people to be open, honest, and vulnerable with one another.
COMPASSION: Empathy and supportive understanding are crucial in loving relationships. Successful marriages are a sanctuary from the stress and criticism experienced in everyday life. Compassion is the needed response to vulnerability, which builds closeness and intimacy.
SHARED VISION: Of course, successful couples have differences, but lasting marriages also share a larger goal for their future. While no couple matches perfectly, their goals for the future either need to be in the same ballpark or they have negotiated a mutually acceptable compromise.
LOVING BEHAVIORS: It’s no surprise that consideration and kind, thoughtful gestures are essential to maintaining strong bonds. Likewise, loving actions and good sex help repair inevitable misunderstandings and minor conflicts. Indeed, loving non-sexual behaviors generate passion and a desire for physical intimacy,
Some Additional Necessary Skills
In addition to knowing what makes for a successful marriage, here are some other basic skills individuals need to ensure a healthy, long-lasting marriage.
SELF-AWARENESS AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE INFLUENCES OF PAST TRAUMA: Good marriages understand that it takes “two to tango”. That is, rather than externalizing responsibility and blaming one’s partner when problems occur, each must be aware of and take responsibility for their part.
Also, each partner needs to know how their own past trauma influences and distorts their perceptions and reactions in the present. To avoid confusion and unnecessary conflict, it is important that each partner is aware of their own triggers that lead to irrational reactions. Conjoint psychotherapy can help couples develop this self-awareness and understanding.
EMOTIONAL SELF-REGULATION: No matter how much knowledge one has, one can avoid being triggered from time to time. Thus, in addition to being mindful of their emotional wounds, partners need to know how to control and deescalate irrational reactions and behaviors when they occur. Fortunately, there are effective behavioral techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing, meditation, and other exercises that can help a person hit the reset button and regain control.
COMMUNICATION: It goes without saying that couples need to know how to communicate openly and be committed to it. Sharing emotions and discussing problems without yelling or name-calling is crucial to having constructive talks and keeping the peace.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND COMPROMISING: Beyond communicating, good marriages know how to deal with conflicts and negotiate equitable and lasting compromises. Again, counseling is a good place to learn and practice these important skills
SELF-CARE AND LEISURE: Sadly, self-care and leisure are often missing from the lists of what is needed for marital happiness and longevity. Self-care applies to both physical and emotional well-being. Thus, in addition to medical check-ups, there must be adequate stress management and time for leisure. Likewise, satisfied couples have fun together. They play, go on vacation, and spend regular dedicated time together.
In summary, while romance novels and films are entertaining, many have come to realize that they do not accurately reflect what love and marriage are about. Indeed, having realistic expectations along with essential relational skills is the best way to ensure lifelong satisfaction with our mates.
Likewise, making the effort to learn the skills will ensure that you enjoy and sustain the love you’ve found.
Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC, 8 /24/2026
