Recently, I wrote about the history of Church’s hostile attitude toward sex. Sadly , one unfortunate consequence of its antipathy is the negative impact that it’s had on parents’ ability to talk rationally about sex with their children. Frankly, many parents just don’t know how to talk to their kids about sex without shaming them.
As I look back on my 50 years as an educator, minister, and psychotherapist/marriage counselor, the biggest obstacle to talking honestly about sex is guilt and shame. shame | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
To be clear, shame is not simply feeling guilty over doing something wrong. Shame is a much deeper sense of humiliation. Shame is not simply feeling bad about something you did; it involves a negative sense of self. Folks who feel shame about sex believe that something is fundamentally wrong with them. The worry is often a false belief that their thoughts or feelings about sex are abnormal or even perverted.
Sexual shame and embarrassment begin in childhood.
The sexual shame and embarrassment that many people feel are due to a number of factors, such as unrealistic expectations and false information. These erroneous beliefs also include feelings of embarrassment, which make it difficult to talk about it.
Almost to a person, the false guilt and shame stemmed from negative experiences in childhood. Beyond false information, shame stemmed from believing that the very topic of sex was forbidden. Many children were raised to believe that any curiosity or interest in sex was wrong.
Even when parents did not promote false beliefs, their reluctance to talk openly sent the implicit message that nice people did not talk about such things. In addition to Christianity’s negative influence, the omnipresence of internet pornography complicates the problem even further. Why Is It so Hard to Talk About Sex? | Psychology Today
Fortunately, there are many good resources available for individuals and couples to overcome their false sense of guilt and gain more accurate information. Nonetheless, parents must tackle the issue to protect their children from unnecessary shame and this won’t be easy
In order for parents to talk to their children about sex without shaming them, they will need to acknowledge their own sexual hang-ups. The good news is that vanquishing negative feelings about sex is not as formidable as it sounds. In addition, the effort brings a great sense of relief.
Here are some tips and myth-busters to get you started down the road to feeling better about sex, yourself, and talking honestly about it all with your children:
1. Be an Askable Parent.
Saul Gordon, the human sexuality professor at Syracuse University, used to stress the importance of being non-judgmental when talking to children about complex issues. Full article: Leaders in the History of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology Past Presidents Series: Sol Gordon (1970–1971). His concern is relevant because many kids will tell you that they don’t speak honestly with their parents for fear of how their parents will react, i.e, with anger and condemnation.
To be askable, a parent must learn to respond to their children’s concerns with understanding rather than judgment. Remembering what it was like to be their age and putting yourself in their shoes goes a long way toward expressing the empathy and acceptance children need.
Likewise, being an askable parent means that no topic is off-limits. Askable parenting can go a long way to help children understand and accept their sexuality.
2. Curiosity is a good thing.
It is amazing to me how negative attitudes about sex can squelch a child’s natural curiosity. I myself experienced a nasty incident when I was in my hometown library at age 9 or 10. Encouraged by a friend to check out a National Geographic magazine featuring a bare-breasted African woman, a scolding librarian confronted me.
“Why would you look at such filth?” she demanded, wagging her disapproving index finger at me. Obviously, she felt that healthy little boys had no reason to be curious about the female anatomy. Fortunately, I told my mother about this and she wiped away all sense of guilt from my thoughts.
When one is not shamed by sex, they understand that being curious about it and wanting to learn and discuss what they learn is not only normal but is positive, as wanting to learn about any other topic in science, history, or music, etc.
3. Masturbation (apart from religious beliefs) is not unhealthy either physically or mentally.
Masturbation is probably the most sensitive and guilt-ridden sexual topic. Although some of the old myths, e.g., causing mental illness and blindness, have quieted down, masturbation is still a source of guilt and discomfort for many.
Not surprisingly, many parents are still confused and conflicted about talking about it. Many are caught up in their own guilt, which prevents them from reassuring their kids that it’s normal and nothing to worry about. On the positive side, medical research demonstrates that frequent ejaculation lowers a man’s risk for prostate cancer. Ejaculation frequency and prostate cancer – Harvard Health
4. Don’t worry about starting conversations too early.
Many parents wonder and worry about when it’s the right time to talk about sex. If you pay attention, your kids will let you know. They may look embarrassed or upset. When you spot it, respond with compassion and acceptance.
When you come across such a moment, it is okay to open the conversation with a comment or observation. Sharing a similar personal experience is a good way to break the ice. Likewise, gently asking how they feel and reassuring them that it’s okay not to worry creates a sense that it’s safe to talk honestly.
5. Don’t project your hang-ups onto them.
Parents need to realize that their job is to help their child learn and grow, based on their child’s needs, not their own. Indeed, many negative experiences that kids received from their parents came from the parents’ own traumatic or unresolved issues with sex.
The best way to avoid dumping your stuff onto them is to listen before responding. Also, be mindful of the way you talk about sex to your kids. Notice the volume and tone of your voice.
Notice sensations and tension in your own body. Are you being critical or judgmental? Do any of the topics trigger you? If so, it is okay to admit it and even apologize. Being real with your children about your own unfinished stuff is powerful and bonding. It builds trust in your relationship.
When you do talk with your kids about sex, be mindful of your own past experiences and biases. A little parental self-reflection can go a long way to making talking about sex a positive experience for both you and your children. As always, if you need help, reach out to a family therapist.
Rev. MIchaal Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. 11 01 2025
