LETTING GO OF SHAME
Shame is one of the most common and destructive of all human emotions. Further, I can say, without reservation or qualification, that shame is a completely useless experience. One of my goals as a therapist is to help eliminate shame whenever I encounter it.
Sadly, many folks misunderstand what shame is. Even dictionaries confuse it with guilt Shame Definition & Meaning – Merriam-Webster. To be clear, guilt is what we feel when we do something that we know is wrong. Guilt refers to feelings of regret over having done something that violates our sense of morality or ethics. Guilt is something that you can do something about to make amends.
I disagree with Webster. Shame does not stem from behavior. I believe that the sense of shame that a person feels stems from an underlying lack of self-worth. It is the comprehensive feeling of self-condemnation for who one is. Shame is an irrational, pervasive, and negative sense of self that falsely seems hopeless and unchangeable.
Another important thing to know is that shame is learned. People have a natural sense of embarrassment but not shame. Shame is the consequence of abuse, be it physical, emotional or verbal.
With these thoughts in mind, I want to focus today on sexual shame: where it comes from, how to get rid of it and how not to shame others.
Christianity, Sex & Shame
Recently, I wrote about the problem of false guilt and shame which can interfere with a person’s ability to think clearly and relate rationally to others. False Guilt and Shame | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)
Today I want to talk about shame and guilt about sex and the major source of these destructive feelings, i.e. traditional religious teachings about sex and pleasure. Over the centuries, traditional Roman Catholic and Protestant doctrines have caused of a lot of needless stress. And, as hard as it is to believe, they continue to be a source of pain for many.
From a psychological point of view, traditional Christian beliefs viewed normal sexual feelings to be in conflict with God’s law and, therefore, sinful. Thus, lacking positive teachings about sex, natural desires evoked feelings of sinfulness and even self-hatred.
Those who suffer with this conflict need to know that this antipathy was not always the case. It is important to understand the evolution of Christian thought and how the delights of sex found in Song of Solomon were squelched and replaced with negative views.
While complex, two major developments are largely responsible for this change: 1) apocalyptic expectations. and 2) The disappointment of those expectations experienced by the delay of the Jesus’ 2nd coming (the Parousia). Let me explain,
False Guilt and Shame
Psychologists write a lot about guilt and shame. Shame vs. Guilt – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com) False guilt and trauma induced shame are two of the most emotionally destructive experiences felt by clients and challenging for therapists to treat.
Despite their notoriety, folks often confuse their meaning. Guilt-Tripping and Emotional Manipulation | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com) For example, it is common for people to use the terms interchangeably. In fact, their meanings are quite different.
Today, we’ll highlight the differences between guilt and shame and suggest ways to deal with and reduce their impact.
Understanding and Overcoming the Self-Blame and Shame of Sexual Abuse
Okay , my apologies for not posting earlier about this. With all the attention given to and disruptions caused by COVID-19, I almost neglected to acknowledge that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
That said , I want to address a serious two headed problem faced by many who have been sexually assaulted: Shame and Self-Blame. Too often, even after many years have passed, many folks who have experienced sexual assault as children say that, even though they “know better”, they still can’t shake the feeling deep down inside that what happened was their fault.
It is important to understand that self-recrimination is a common psychological phenomenon experienced by many who have been abused. The good news is that, once understood, individuals can break its depressing hold and free themselves from this false sense of guilt and responsibility . Let me show you how.
Christianity and Sex
Recently, a client contacted me to talk about the guilt and embarrassment he felt when talking to his wife about sex. Indeed, over the years, I’ve heard this concern many times. Not surprisingly, he came from a conservative Christian background.
While it is no secret that Christianity has had its problems with sex, many do not know that it was not always that way. Over the years, I’ve discovered that getting to know the history of how sex became an embarrassment helps explain the real source of the underlying conflict. Likewise, increased understanding reduces embarrassment and shame. So, let’s take a look.
History of the Early Church’s Views toward Sex
Jesus and Paul on Sex
Frankly, the New Testament doesn’t record Jesus talking about sex or say anything about his sexual life. We do know that he had compassion and did not shame the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11).
Stepping back, Christianity’s problem with sex begins with Jesus’s and his early followers’ belief that the end of the world was near and that the Kingdom of God was at hand. (Mark 1:15) Paul believed that Jesus would return and bring in the new age within his own lifetime. (Thessalonians 4:15–17).
From this point of view, sex becomes unimportant. The Kingdom of God initiated by Jesus was a spiritual reality. In it, male and female distinctions and sex would no longer exist. (Gal. 3:28)
And here is an important fact that is often overlooked. Even in this Apocalyptic context, early Christians did not have a negative view of sex. They shared Jewish beliefs, which held that sex was fine within the bounds of marriage. Sex for early Christians was not a negative thing. The Origins of Christian Teachings on Human Sexuality – World History Encyclopedia
Beware of Abusive Religion
Usually, as a pastoral counselor, I demonstrate how mental health and religion go together. I help clients who identify as persons of faith by translating unfamiliar psychological concepts into the more familiar language of their religious tradition. My concern is to demonstrate that their religious beliefs and mental health are compatible. Pastoral Counseling ? | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Over the years, however, I’ve discovered a different aspect of pastoral counseling. I have discovered that a pastoral counselor is not just a cheerleader for religion. In fact, it is increasingly an obligation is to call out religious abuse.
For example, many folks who presented with what looked like depression or anxiety were. in fact, suffering from the consequences of an abusive religious upbringing, specifically, certain strains of Christianity. They what could be labeled religious PTSD.
Of late, it is clear that the word Christian conveys dramatically different meanings. Thus, one can’t assume that faith and psychology go together. For the most part, the individual beliefs themselves are not abusive, but, when exaggerated or taken in isolation or out of context, they can be.
Sometimes the abusiveness stems from the way some forms of Christianity interpret Jesus’ teaching. Worse, when religious tenets conflict with established science, they have the potential to be psychologically harmful. Abusive, unhealthy traditional Christianity, theology, and practice — Unadulterated Love
With this in mind, I want to call out and address specific religious teachings that not only inflict needless emotional pain but also cause psychological harm.
Therapy Advances
Psychotherapy, like other healthcare fields, is a constantly evolving endeavor. Over the years, research and practice have expanded our understanding and refined the techniques used to treat psychological disorders.
47 years of practicing psychotherapy helps me appreciate how things have changed. Here are some observations. Counseling: An Update. | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Psychotherapy: From the Beginning
Many people are unaware that the counseling profession is relatively young. Of course, clergy and teachers have helped folks over the centuries, but the start of a medical profession dates back to the late 19th century and Sigmund Freud.
Freud discovered that mental problems could, in addition to medical causes, be the result of psychological trauma. His approach in sessions was to listen while the patient “free associated”, i.e., to say whatever came into their minds.
Freud believed that given time, a person would uncover emotional conflicts created by childhood trauma and that the therapist’s job was to interpret the meaning of what the patient said. In other words, therapy “connected the dots”, and revealed how the past interferes with the person’s present experience.
This increased awareness freed a person from the control of unconscious trauma. In addition to feeling better, greater self-knowledge helped the person to change and eliminate unwanted behaviors.
Behaviorism
In the early 20th century, behavioral therapies, inspired by Pavlov and Watson, arose as an alternative to analytic approaches. Unlike analysis, behavioral therapies placed an emphasis on redirecting conditioned responses rather than increasing awareness.
They believed that understanding is unnecessary to treat psychological problems. Essentially, creating new behavior patterns changes behavior, which changes how you feel,
Some Other Changes
Somewhere in the 1950’s two other developments took place which complicated the treatment of mental disorders. The field of psychopharmacology introduces medication for depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia.
Likewise, psychologists, social workers, and other types of mental health practitioners who were not medical doctors began counseling. These new professions spawned a variety of therapies Different approaches to psychotherapy
As a result, since these new practitioners were not medical doctors, a new attitude toward the people served emerged. Individuals, couples and families were regarded as clients and not as patients.
In addition to these changes, here are 6 major advances in psychotherapy which define the state of the art today:
Affirmations & Self-Esteem
Many people have poor self-esteem. Likewise, many believed that repeating self-affirmations was a way to improve one’s self-regard. Of course, everyone wants and needs self-affirmation, but it is overrated as a therapeutic technique.
Self-affirmation was a big deal in pop psychology 30 years ago. Bookstores and novelty shops promoted it with posters and T-shirts featuring affirming platitudes. Likewise, business offices posted them prominently in waiting areas.
While there is nothing wrong with ego-boosting messages, the value of simply repeating them to yourself is limited. Remember comedian Al Franken? He lampooned and exposed the fallacy of this craze through his SNL character, Stuart Smalley, who began each day by reciting empty self-affirmations.
While, internet apps have pretty much replaced posters, the emphasis is still pretty much the same. SELF: Self-Care & Self-Love – Apps on Google Play Although, self-affirmations are not a bad thing, they can’t take the place of psychotherapy to repair significant self-esteem issues.
Today, I want to review some basic facts about self-esteem and explain how recent research in neuroscience has increased our understanding of how self-esteem can be damaged and why it is so difficult to repair. Within that context, the legitimate place of affirmations can be better appreciated.
Self-Care is Not a Luxury
As 2025 begins, many will be thinking about making New Year’s resolutions. While losing weight, exercising, and cutting back on alcohol consumption, along with other self-improvement goals, are important, it’s a researched fact that most resolutions are not accomplished. In fact, the success rate for keeping resolutions is a dismal 9%. New Year’s Resolutions Statistics and Trends [2024]
On the contrary, studies show that overwhelmingly, people feel compelled to change because of external expectations and demands. What is important to understand is that guilt and shame are not effective motivators for long-lasting change.
Again, although people make changes for a while, studies show that to sustain lasting change, the motivation for must come from within. It’s like the old joke goes, “How many people does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.”
Data reveals that focusing on self-care rather than giving-in to external pressures or feelings of the obligation to change is the best way to make important changes in one’s life.
To be clear, self-care may not involve change or resolving problems so much as it does learning how to better cope with difficult situations that may not have a simple or immediate solution.
Although any significant change is difficult, committing to self-care is especially hard because both religion and culture are against it. That said, developing good self-care habits is not impossible. Here are some basics for those who are interested in committing to increased self-care: Goal 2023: Self-Care | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
