LETTING GO OF SHAME
Shame is one of the most common and destructive of all human emotions. Further, I can say, without reservation or qualification, that shame is a completely useless experience. One of my goals as a therapist is to help eliminate shame whenever I encounter it.
Sadly, many folks misunderstand what shame is. Even dictionaries confuse it with guilt Shame Definition & Meaning – Merriam-Webster. To be clear, guilt is what we feel when we do something that we know is wrong. Guilt refers to feelings of regret over having done something that violates our sense of morality or ethics. Guilt is something that you can do something about to make amends.
I disagree with Webster. Shame does not stem from behavior. I believe that the sense of shame that a person feels stems from an underlying lack of self-worth. It is the comprehensive feeling of self-condemnation for who one is. Shame is an irrational, pervasive, and negative sense of self that falsely seems hopeless and unchangeable.
Another important thing to know is that shame is learned. People have a natural sense of embarrassment but not shame. Shame is the consequence of abuse, be it physical, emotional or verbal.
With these thoughts in mind, I want to focus today on sexual shame: where it comes from, how to get rid of it and how not to shame others.
Christianity, Sex & Shame
Recently, I wrote about the problem of false guilt and shame which can interfere with a person’s ability to think clearly and relate rationally to others. False Guilt and Shame | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)
Today I want to talk about shame and guilt about sex and the major source of these destructive feelings, i.e. traditional religious teachings about sex and pleasure. Over the centuries, traditional Roman Catholic and Protestant doctrines have caused of a lot of needless stress. And, as hard as it is to believe, they continue to be a source of pain for many.
From a psychological point of view, traditional Christian beliefs viewed normal sexual feelings to be in conflict with God’s law and, therefore, sinful. Thus, lacking positive teachings about sex, natural desires evoked feelings of sinfulness and even self-hatred.
Those who suffer with this conflict need to know that this antipathy was not always the case. It is important to understand the evolution of Christian thought and how the delights of sex found in Song of Solomon were squelched and replaced with negative views.
While complex, two major developments are largely responsible for this change: 1) apocalyptic expectations. and 2) The disappointment of those expectations experienced by the delay of the Jesus’ 2nd coming (the Parousia). Let me explain,
False Guilt and Shame
Psychologists write a lot about guilt and shame. Shame vs. Guilt – Brené Brown (brenebrown.com) False guilt and trauma induced shame are two of the most emotionally destructive experiences felt by clients and challenging for therapists to treat.
Despite their notoriety, folks often confuse their meaning. Guilt-Tripping and Emotional Manipulation | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com) For example, it is common for people to use the terms interchangeably. In fact, their meanings are quite different.
Today, we’ll highlight the differences between guilt and shame and suggest ways to deal with and reduce their impact.
Understanding and Overcoming the Self-Blame and Shame of Sexual Abuse
Okay , my apologies for not posting earlier about this. With all the attention given to and disruptions caused by COVID-19, I almost neglected to acknowledge that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
That said , I want to address a serious two headed problem faced by many who have been sexually assaulted: Shame and Self-Blame. Too often, even after many years have passed, many folks who have experienced sexual assault as children say that, even though they “know better”, they still can’t shake the feeling deep down inside that what happened was their fault.
It is important to understand that self-recrimination is a common psychological phenomenon experienced by many who have been abused. The good news is that, once understood, individuals can break its depressing hold and free themselves from this false sense of guilt and responsibility . Let me show you how.
Porn Addiction Realilty
Today I want to talk about the difficult and complicated problem of internet pornography. The proliferation of internet-based porn staggers the imagination and creates many problems for both individuals and relationships.
As a therapist, I have noticed a significant uptick in the number of clients contacting me for what they refer to as a porn addiction. While the term porn addiction is widely used, both the American Psychological Association and the WHO (World Health Organization) do not recognize porn addiction as a stand-alone diagnosis or psychological disorder.
Technically, the current diagnostic term found in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) for excessive and uncontrollable urges to masturbate to pornography is Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD). If a person feels out of control with porn or if masturbating is interfering with important aspects of his life or relationship, talking to a counselor can help. Understanding the source of their obsession and learning better ways to cope will relieve distress and restore control.
Sex isn’t the Problem
The key to understanding compulsive porn use, like with any compulsive behavior, is to realize that the behavior itself is not the problem. The use of pornography is an inadequate attempt to cope with an underlying problem. Thus, effective treatment requires both identifying and addressing the root cause.
For example, a person who abuses alcohol often uses drinking as a way to numb or provide relief from the pain caused by something like anxiety or a loss that they feel overwhelmed by and don’t know how to resolve. Once they recognize the problem and are confident that they have the resources and plan to deal with it, the need for alcohol diminishes. The same is true for sexual compulsions.
The last time I wrote on this subject was seven years ago. A Reasonable Approach for Discussing Masturbation and Pornography: Part 1 | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY(revmichaelheath.com) Given that misunderstanding has not declined, I wish to review and debunk some of the most persistent myths about compulsive masturbation and pornography. Let me be clear, however, while debunking myths, I am not promoting pornography. My only concern is that folks know the facts.
Exposing Toxic Religion
The recent merger of right-wing politics with Evangelical Christianity confuses clients who seek counseling from a pastoral counselor. So, I want to share some thoughts about what pastoral counseling means for me.
Pastoral Counseling in Perspective
Looking back over the years since Pine Ridge began, I realize how dynamic Pastoral Counseling (PC) is. Pastoral Counseling recognizes that not all emotional problems are pathological. Life transitions,loss and death raise profound spiritual questions that benefit from counseling. Also, PC demonstrates how faith and psychology can work together to improve mental health.
For example, PC familiar Bible stories, such as the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42), dramatize important psychological concepts. In Luke’s story, for example, folks can see how anxiety and feeling overwhelmed masquerade as irritability and anger.
Over the years, however, things changed. Unfortunately, many of my clients reported emotional trauma connected to their experience with religion. Instead of increasing a sense of love and gratitude, religion deepened their sense of sinfulness and unworthiness.
Rather than translating psychological concepts into more familiar biblical or theological ones, my role evolved to addressing abuses of religious teaching. Toxic religion can seriously damage self-esteem and create false and debilitating feelings of guilt and shame. Examples of Toxic Theology and Religious Trauma – Death, Grief, and Belief
Sadly, the media gives attention to sexual abuse by clergy but often overlooks the more subtle damage of harmful religious doctrines. Indeed, not enough light shines on the psychological harm created by corrosive religious teaching.
With this in mind, here are some telltale signs of harmful religion to watch out for. toxic religion | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Ageism and Sexual Stigma
AGEISM AND THE STIGMA OF SENIOR SEXUALITY
Recently, I attended a workshop about sexual well-being for seniors, and it was a real eye-opener. Although my practice specializes in human sexuality, I was surprised me to learn just how much the healthcare system fails older folks when it comes to sex. Neglect in attending to their sexual needs increases their risk of both physical and emotional disorders. . Here are some things to think about:
Senior Citizens: A Growing Population
For those who wonder why be concerned about seniors, it is important to understand that their population is growing. Currently, almost 1 in 5 are over 65 and 1 in 4 is over 60. In terms of numbers, there are over 86 million Americans aged 65 or older. Get the Facts on Older Americans. Given this trend, the number of folks affected by the problem will only increase
AGEISM
Let’s face it, our youth-oriented culture is ageist, especially when it comes to sex. Ageism is a stereotypical discrimination toward individuals based solely on advanced age. For example, seniors are often believed to be asexual, because they’re “just “too old.
Ageism also involves more than individual discrimination. It also affects physician education and institutional structures. Indeed, many medical school curricula often make learning aboutthe sexual well-being of older folks optional.
Even worse, Institutions fail to provide policies or structures that allow or promote physical intimacy for their residents. Many assisted living facilities do not recognize the sexual rights of their older residents and actively discourage any sexual behaviors by separating residents who pair off.
Sadly, many nursing homes do not provide basic safe-sex information or encourage them to get help with sex-related problems. Not surprisingly, senior citizen facilities report high rates of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections.
Christianity and Sex
Recently, a client contacted me to talk about the guilt and embarrassment he felt when talking to his wife about sex. Indeed, over the years, I’ve heard this concern many times. Not surprisingly, he came from a conservative Christian background.
While it is no secret that Christianity has had its problems with sex, many do not know that it was not always that way. Over the years, I’ve discovered that getting to know the history of how sex became an embarrassment helps explain the real source of the underlying conflict. Likewise, increased understanding reduces embarrassment and shame. So, let’s take a look.
History of the Early Church’s Views toward Sex
Jesus and Paul on Sex
Frankly, the New Testament doesn’t record Jesus talking about sex or say anything about his sexual life. We do know that he had compassion and did not shame the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11).
Stepping back, Christianity’s problem with sex begins with Jesus’s and his early followers’ belief that the end of the world was near and that the Kingdom of God was at hand. (Mark 1:15) Paul believed that Jesus would return and bring in the new age within his own lifetime. (Thessalonians 4:15–17).
From this point of view, sex becomes unimportant. The Kingdom of God initiated by Jesus was a spiritual reality. In it, male and female distinctions and sex would no longer exist. (Gal. 3:28)
And here is an important fact that is often overlooked. Even in this Apocalyptic context, early Christians did not have a negative view of sex. They shared Jewish beliefs, which held that sex was fine within the bounds of marriage. Sex for early Christians was not a negative thing. The Origins of Christian Teachings on Human Sexuality – World History Encyclopedia
Beware of Abusive Religion
Usually, as a pastoral counselor, I demonstrate how mental health and religion go together. I help clients who identify as persons of faith by translating unfamiliar psychological concepts into the more familiar language of their religious tradition. My concern is to demonstrate that their religious beliefs and mental health are compatible. Pastoral Counseling ? | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Over the years, however, I’ve discovered a different aspect of pastoral counseling. I have discovered that a pastoral counselor is not just a cheerleader for religion. In fact, it is increasingly an obligation is to call out religious abuse.
For example, many folks who presented with what looked like depression or anxiety were. in fact, suffering from the consequences of an abusive religious upbringing, specifically, certain strains of Christianity. They what could be labeled religious PTSD.
Of late, it is clear that the word Christian conveys dramatically different meanings. Thus, one can’t assume that faith and psychology go together. For the most part, the individual beliefs themselves are not abusive, but, when exaggerated or taken in isolation or out of context, they can be.
Sometimes the abusiveness stems from the way some forms of Christianity interpret Jesus’ teaching. Worse, when religious tenets conflict with established science, they have the potential to be psychologically harmful. Abusive, unhealthy traditional Christianity, theology, and practice — Unadulterated Love
With this in mind, I want to call out and address specific religious teachings that not only inflict needless emotional pain but also cause psychological harm.
