Replacing Romantic Myths with the Realistic Emergent Love Model
With all of the bad news flooding the media today, you may have missed an important growing trend. Over the past few years, divorce rates for first-time marriages dropped from 50% to almost 40%. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
The reason for the change is not fully known. Couples marrying later, at 30 rather than at 21, may be one reason. Couples having a more realistic understanding of love and marriage is another important factor.
As information increases, more folks are letting go of the traditional yet grossly unrealistic ideas of romantic love (RL). Specifically, folks today have a better understanding of what love is and what is needed to make a marriage last
Today, I want to contrast RL with Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh’s Emergent Love Model (ELM). Dr. Nasserzadeh’s work provides a useful summary of a more realistic view of love and marriage. Rethinking Relationships: The Emergent Love Model | Psychology Today.
Rather than myths https://revmichaelheath.com/on-romantic-love/, Dr. Nasserzadeh’s model is based on rigorous research that reveals the qualities of good and lasting marriages. Beyond identifying the essential elements of marriage, this model also dispels the romantic myth concerning love.
This view posits that love is what people experience as a result of a six-factor cluster of loving behaviors. In other words, although an initial attraction may “just happen,” mature and sustainable love requires intentional effort and commitment.
With this in mind, let’s review the basics of romantic love and marriage (RL), and then the more realistic Emergent Love Model (ELM).
Characteristics of Romantic Love
MAGICAL/ EXCLUSIVE ATTRACTION According to romantic love, there is only one person to love. It assumes that people have only one perfect soulmate. Good marriages are what happen when one finds the right person.
UNWAVERING SEXUAL PASSION A romantic view equates love with sexual attraction. Contrary to biology and neuroscience, romantic love holds that the initial passion at the start of a relationship remains high for life. If it flags, it is a sign that love is gone.
NATURAL FIDELITY AND DEVOTION Again, disregarding human nature, RL posits that true love is naturally faithful. Attraction to another person is evidence that true love is absent. People who are attracted to more than one person do not love their spouse.
JEALOUSY AS A SIGN OF LOVE Beyond being unrealistic, RL’s beliefs can also be harmful; they mistakenly view jealousy as a sign of love rather than of insecurity or immaturity.
LOVE CONQUERS ALL Another harmful aspect of the romantic love model exaggerates the importance of feeling in love. No matter how violent or dysfunctional a relationship may be, as long as the couple has passionate attraction, things will work out.
NATURAL COMPATIBILITY Folks who are in love, according to R, L, are naturally compatible. Therefore, conflicts or arguments are a sign that real love is not present and should be avoided. The Myth of Romantic Expectations | Psychology Today
Emergent Love Model
A crucial difference between the traditional romantic view of love is in two important ways. ELM understands love is more than the feeling of attraction. Also, ELM knows that love is not magic or completely out of our control. Lovinging behaviors create a loving response. Significantly, ELM provides couples with a way to evaluate and repair problems in their relationship. Specifically, here are the six key elements of love:
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION The one thing the Emerging Love Model shares with romantic notions is the importance of physical/sexual attraction. While not the be-all and end-all as it is with RL, attraction is an essential part of love. ELM goes beyond romantic notions of love by explaining how experiencing other aspects can create the feeling of attraction.
RESPECT: In addition to passion, the ELM is concerned with the whole person. It acknowledges the loved one’s individuality, fundamental boundaries, and privacy.
TRUST: Partners in genuine loving relationships feel trust, confidence, and safety.
COMPASSION: Empathy and understanding are crucial in loving relationships, in contrast to destructive blame and criticism.
SHARED VISION: Of course, successful couples have differences, but lasting marriages also share a larger goal for their future.
LOVING BEHAVIORS: It’s no surprise that consideration and kind, thoughtful gestures are essential to maintaining strong bonds. Likewise, loving actions help repair inevitable misunderstandings and minor conflicts.
Necessary Awareness and Skills
SELF-AWARENESS AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE INFLUENCES OF PAST TRAUMA Good marriages understand that it takes “two to tango”. That is, rather than externalizing responsibility, each partner takes responsibility for their part. Also, each partner realizes that their own past trauma is responsible for their irrational distortions in their perceptions and reactions. Distorted perceptions lead to relational problems. Thus, it is important that each partner is aware of their own triggers that lead to irrational reactions.
EMOTIONAL SELF-REGULATION In addition to being mindful of their emotional wounds, partners need to have learned, or be in the process of learning, how to recognize and de-escalate irrational reactions and behaviors.
COMMUNICATION It goes without saying that couples need to know how to communicate openly and be committed to it. Sharing and discussing without yelling or name-calling is crucial to constructive talks.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND COMPROMISING Beyond communicating, good marriages know how to deal with conflicts and negotiate equitable and lasting compromises.
SELF-CARE AND LEISURE Sadly, self-care and leisure are often missing from the lists of what is needed for marital happiness and longevity. Self-care applies to both physical and emotional well-being. Thus, in addition to medical check-ups, there must be adequate stress management and time for leisure. Likewise, satisfied couples have fun together. They play, go on vacation, and spend regular dedicated time together.
In summary, although romance novels and films are entertaining, their stories depict fantasy more than reality. While romance novels and films are entertaining, their stories express fantasies rather than reality. While many may long for magic in their lives, having realistic expectations along with essential relational skills is the best way to ensure lifelong satisfaction with our mates.
Committing to learning the skills, paying attention and making the effort to be kind are tips to help you enjoy and sustain the love you’ve found.
Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC, 8 /16/2026
