Recently, a client who had made significant strides in recovering from childhood trauma reported that she was puzzled by feelings of melancholy when thinking about her abusive parents. She noted that, although she no longer felt angry at her abusive father and her mother who had not protected her, she nontheless felt sad about the whole thing.
I reassured her that what she was experiencing was normal and an expression of what is called Post-Recovery Grieving Grief and Loss During Active Recovery | Turning Point of Tampa (tpoftampa.com). Since her experience is not uncommon but is also not widely understood, I want to take some time to talk about grieving and update some commonly held misconceptions. 5 Myths About Healing From Trauma | Psychology Today
What she most likely was sad about was the grief over a lost opportunity to have the loving parents that she deserved.
What is Grief and Grieving ?
Grief is the emotional experience of loss and significant changes in one’s life. It is the process by which a person adjusts and comes to accept a significant loss and/or change in one’s life.The myth of “Holding on” to the past. Tips for working through grief. | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)
It’s hard to believe that its been fifty-five years since Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, wrote the definitive book on the grieving process , On Death and Dying. In it, she outlined five different emotional stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
While these stages differed for each individual and had no set pattern or duration, subsequent research has confirmed her fundamental observations. Here is a brief review of what the stages involve: 5 Myths About Healing From Trauma | Psychology Today
DENIAL –
Most people’s first reaction to significant loss is to deny the reality of what has happened. They report that they simply cannot believe what they have learned or been told. For example, when a loved one dies or a person loses a job, the news is so overwhelming that it is not accepted as real.
ANGER –
As time passes and the reality of the loss sinks in, denial can give way to feelings of anger over what has happened. They blame others, themselves, or God. They are in anguish with the pain and disruption that the loss has caused.
BARGAINING –
Bargaining is when people speculate about what might have or should have been done to prevent the loss. It is important to note that these stages are not sequential or “finished”. Bargaining thoughts often intensify anger, blame, and guilt.
DEPRESSION –
At some point, the full impact of the loss sinks in, and many people are devastated and depressed. Sadness and hopelessness take over. Symptoms of depression like the loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, fatigue, and the absence of any sense of pleasure are common. People often want to be alone and even have thoughts of dying or suicide.
ACCEPTANCE –
Eventually, although the amount of time varies dramatically from months to years, a person comes to terms with the loss and begins to make necessary adjustments. Gradually, the person’s appetite and sleep return. Their energy level increases, and they feel like their old self again; a sense of pleasure returns and life seems worth living.
A common misconception is that grieving is finished once one goes through these phases. It is important to note that recovery from a loss and grieving are relative. In a real sense, they never end. A person may no longer be emotionally distraught or functionally impaired; however, depending on the severity of the loss and the success of the recovery, waves of grief can happen for the rest of one’s life.
A SIXTH STAGE
Grieving expert, David Kessler, made an important addition to Kubler-Ross’s work in his 2020 book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth State of Grief Grief.com – New Book by David Kessler, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief
Kessler’s contribution is significant. It has filled in a missing piece about healing from an emotional loss that has tormented many. Indeed, many have felt that, although they had recovered from the severe aspects of their loss, life was not the same; it had lost its joi de vivre.
Kessler’s research demonstrated that life could be complete and satisfying again after death and loss. His findings revealed that people experience a sixth stage of grieving, which is the key to fully recovering from loss. The sixth stage of grieving is the appearance of new meaning and direction.
While therapy can help people work through the initial five emotional stages, the appearance of new meaning and direction is not so easily manipulated. The experience of new meaning is like a spiritual awakening. It happens without warning or preparation, grasping and quickening a person’s total being.
THE IRONY OF RELIGION’S OVERSIGHT AND FAILURE
Although faith can be helpful when dealing with loss, ironically, the Gospel’s account of Easter Sunday expressed this sixth stage of grieving without adequately demonstrating the previous five stages of grief and loss. The Bible’s narrative of the post-crucifixion events downplays the horror and leaves no time to show how the disciples dealt with Jesus’ death,
Likewise, religion has not always been helpful when dealing with grief. It sometimes minimizes the pain and the time it takes for one to recover from a tragic loss. Some forms of Christianity suggest that getting over a loss depends on how strong a person’s faith is ; somehow making recovery a function of faith and almost blaming the bereaved for having weak faith if they do not get over their loss quickly.
A TIP FOR THOSE WHO WAIT FOR THE SIXTH STAGE
The experience of new meaning is mysterious, but there are things that one can do to help with the process. Being on the lookout for new opportunities, being willing to try new activities, and meeting new people are helpful habits to practice.
For those who have traveled through the first five stages and are still waiting on the sixth, the fact that one can hope for a new meaning proves that healing has occurred. Faith is not healing in and of itself, but it expresses hope that new meaning will occur.
Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC. Fellow AAPC August 18, 2024