Few would disagree that omnipresent internet pornography harms children and poses a difficult challenge for parents. That said, many who oppose it don’t understand the real damage that it does. Worse, many of the common approaches exacerbate the problem or interfere with open communication .
Although internet porn has been around for over twenty-five years, we are now just beginning to understand how it impacts a child’s social and psychological development. To be clear, internet porn is more difficult to deal with than pornography from an earlier era. The Impact of Internet Pornography on Adolescents: A Review of the Research: Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: Vol 19, No 1-2 (tandfonline.com)
In response, I want to examine the problem and provide some help for parents. Specifically, I want to:
— Explain why internet pornography is different from earlier X-rated materials.
— Dispel some common myths about pornography.
— Clarify how internet pornography is harmful for young children and teens.
— Debunk popular approaches to dealing with porn which do not work. and
— Offer a rational approach for teaching children about porn on the internet.
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WHY INTERNET PORN IS DIFFERENT ?
The difference between internet porn and older forms of erotica can be summarized in two words: Omnipresence and Accessibility.
In the old days, (before 1995) obtaining pornography was not easy to find or purchase. It took some effort not to mention the ability to overcome shame and guilt. In the 50’s, since men’s magazines like Playboy were kept under the counter, one had to actually ask for them. Thus, few teens would risk the embarrassment. the exposure for most boys was discovering dad or an uncle had hidden somewhere.
In the 80’s, when video stores appeared, again X-rated movies were not displayed out with the other films. They were kept in a special room behind a curtain. Again, most teens did not want to risk being seen either going into or coming out of that room.
With the advent of the internet, however, everything changed. For the first time in history, pornography was readily available anytime and for free. The result of this change meant that children were now able to easily access pornography. As a result, limiting their children’s exposure to porn has become extremely difficult.
COMMON MYTHS ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY
While, as a therapist, I believe that premature over-exposure to pornography is harmful to children and teens, my concern is not what you think. Much of the objection to pornography is linked to masturbation. Conservative religion has long promoted myths about the harmful effects of masturbating. The Top 10 Myths Behind Masturbation (psychcentral.com)
Even though most of these myths about masturbation and pornography have been debunked by medical science, they still are alive in the metaverse and continue to evoke fear and shame.7 Major Myths About Pornography | Psychology Today
The fact is that, at a certain age, it is normal for children to have a fascination with nudity and the urge to masturbate. That said, like other things in life, children need parental guidance to teach their children how to deal with these powerful impulses.
HOW INTERNET PORN IS HARMFUL TO CHILDREN AND TEENS
So, if the problem with pornography is not what conservative Christians claim, what is the harm ? In a nutshell, the problem that pornography causes for children and teens is that it narrows and distorts the meaning of sexuality. Specifically, it focuses on physical sensations and ignores the deeper and more important aspects of intimacy and love.
In addition, without good guidance, pornographic videos create unrealistic sexual expectations for young folks about relationships. Psycho-physiologically, over time, sexual arousal requires novelty. Images which are initially exciting become less so with repeated exposure.
The need for accurate information about for relationships in our porn saturated environment has never been greater. In the pornographic world, sexual thrills are primary and love and intimacy are not valued. Thus, a porn-influenced expectation can destabilize a relationship by demanding novelty to maintain excitement. When intimacy and commitment are not paramount, infidelity is more likely to occur.
UNHELPFUL PARENTING APPROACHES TO PORNOGRAPHY
Understandably, parents react negatively to pornography but, in doing so, they may also communicate negative messages about sex to their children which can also damage not only self-esteem but their ability to sustain intimate relationships.
Many times, negative reactions stem from parent’s own unresolved conflicts about sex. Often, when they encounter sexual issues with their children, they express anxiety rather than with calm and understanding.
In doing so, they also send the message that sexual imagery is dirty and something that should not be talked about. Sadly, this closed attitude which prevents honest questions and calm conversation is as psychologically and relationally harmful as exposure to pornography.
A RATIONAL PARENTING APPROACH FOR DEALING WITH PORN
Given that we live a society dominated by the internet, what is a reasonable parent to do ? Here are some basics:
— Don’t Project. Become educated about sexuality and deal with your own hang-ups. Don’t project your own fears and guilt on to you kids.
— Don’t Shame Your Children Instead acknowledge that Sexual Curiosity is Normal. Let them know that finding images of the human body and sexual behavior exciting is normal. Educate them about masturbation. Acknowledge that there are false ideas widely promoted and rely on medical science.
What is important is that you not send a shaming message, i.e. that there is something wrong with or abnormal about being curious or stimulated by sexual material.
— Let them know that it’s Ok to talk about sex and porn. Let your kids know that you feel that asking questions and talking about sex, including porn, is not only okay but ENCOURAGED. Even if it is difficult be open to your children’s questions, try to be an askable parent. You don’t have to be an expert. You can look things up together.
— Provide Context and Provide Guidelines. Talk about sex as being a part of love, intimacy and committed relationships.
Normalizing sexual curiosity and providing accurate information about sex does not demand a specific moral or religious view. As parents, you can teach your children your values and behavioral standards.
— Be Realistic. No matter how hard you try, you can’t prevent your kids from seeing porn. Assume they will be exposed to it from friends or elsewhere. The tough question, then, is what to how to respond when it arises ?
— Talk About it rather than scowl or avoid the issue, have an open discussion. A non-condemning atmosphere allows for a constructive conversation in which you learn about their reactions to what they have seen. Pornography is just another opportunity for parents to educate and guide their children as they grow. A Reasonable Approach for Discussing Masturbation and Pornography: Part 1 | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)
With a little effort, parents can transform potentially awkward moments into important life lessons.
Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 10/31/2022