Even though Valentine’s Day is past, it’s not too late to think about love; it is an opportunity to go beyond the hearts and flowers of the holiday and consider love’s deeper significance. As a therapist, I know that lasting, mature love is much more than desire. The kind of love that sustains a marriage goes beyond simple attraction. With that in mind, I want to share some thoughts on mature love and offer tips for nurturing true intimacy in a relationship.
The Complex Nature of Love and Desire
Indeed, love is not a simple experience. Unfortunately, the English word does not reveal its nuances. By contrast, the Greek language has five different words to express the different kinds of love:
— Eros, for sexual desire. — Storge for the instinctual love for one’s children, — Philia for brotherly or friendship love, — Agape for unconditional, selfless, divine love for others, and — Pragma for the mature, secure, committed love between husband and wife.
The Components of Mature Love.
With this understanding, it is important to emphasize that the kind of love needed to sustain an adult relationship in marriage is a combination of three types of love: Eros, Philia and Pragma.
Understanding Eros and PEA
While everyone knows what the erotic feels like, most don’t understand its underlying chemistry. The hormone-like substance called phenylethyamine (PEA) creates sexual excitement that comes with a new romance. While exciting, the effects tend to decline over time. The decline occurs because, like with alcohol, more and more PEA is needed to create the sensations. Since the brain cannot keep up with the ever-growing demand, once its maximum output capacity is reached, the intensity of the sensation wanes.
Philia , Pragma and Oxytocin
The strong bonds of close friendship and marriage are, in part, due to the effects of Oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone. The good news, however, unlike PEA, the effects of Oxytocin do not decline. Unlike PEA, the effects of Oxytocin do not diminish but grow stronger over time.
Apart from chemistry, friendship and marriage also involve emotional vulnerability and commitment that eros does not. Mutual vulnerability, i.e.the willingness to show one’s true self, including weaknesses or feelings, despite the risk of being hurt or criticized, creates true intimacy. True intimacy sustains relationships.
Anxiety and the Challenge of Being Vulnerable.
To begin, humans are by nature anxious. Our natural state is to be emotionally defended and closed, not open. Being vulnerable is not natural. Put another way, mature love conquers the innate fear of vulnerability. Further, childhood wounds compound this anxiety. V’Day for the rest of us. | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
To repeat, vulnerability is the key ingredient of mature love and intimacy. Wow! The Link Between Love & Vulnerability – Lead Life Well. Given its importance, here are some tips to help you develop this skill with your close friends or partner.
5 Tips for Becoming Vulnerable with your Partner.
— Remember, it’s okay to not be strong or to feel anxious or afraid.
Too many times, folks think they have to be perfect or always strong to be acceptable to their partner. Men especially need to learn that sometimes being weak is normal and not something to hide. Remember, intimacy in a relationship means showing all of what you think and feel, not just the good or the strong.
— Tell your friend or partner that you want to be more emotionally intimate.
Mutually deciding to make vulnerability a goal is a good way to begin the process. It’s important not to assume; check with your partner if they want to be vulnerable with you. Also, it’s helpful to talk about how you feel about expressing feelings.
–– Acknowledge that talking about feelings is scary.
One of the hard parts of becoming vulnerable is that, even though part of you wants to be more vulnerable, another part is uncomfortable doing it. If this is difficult for you, admit it. Becoming vulnerable is a process that starts wherever you are and progresses from there.
— Develop some conversational ground-rules.
It’s essential to have some basic ground rules to guide emotionally sensitive conversations. For example, it is helpful to agree on things like when to talk, not to interrupt, no name-calling or yelling, using I-statements, and how to signal when one person needs to end the conversation.
— Have realistic expectations.
It’s also important to have realistic expectations about having vulnerable conversations. They don’t happen all of the time, and just because one of you wants to talk doesn’t mean that the other person is in a good place to listen. Also, recognizing that learning a new skill takes time and doesn’t always go smoothly will help you avoid becoming discouraged.
That said, it’s a good idea to start with small, non-threatening disclosures. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and learning to be vulnerable doesn’t happen overnight. As always, getting professional help from an experienced therapist can be helpful if things don’t go well.
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Learning to be vulnerable with a close friend or partner is an important step in the maturation of a loving relationship. Indeed, the profound closeness that comes from speaking openly with the one you love is one of the greatest joys of life.
Rev. Michael Health, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 2 16 2026
