Good communication between partners is one of the most important skills for married couples. Not surprisingly, it is also the most common problem for couples seeking counseling.
While there are different kinds of communication skills, the ability to empathize is essential for maintaining loving relationships. Today, I want to talk about a major obstacle to empathy. Men, especially, struggle with what I call the “Wheel of Fortune” problem (WOF).
“The Wheel of Fortune” Listening
You’re familiar with the game show, right? Vanna White would turn hidden letters to reveal a familiar phrase. Contestants vied to identify a familiar phrase with the fewest uncovered letters.
In my experience, some partners, mostly men, think listening is like playing the Wheel of Fortune. In other words, they understand a conversation to be an exchange in which their mate presents a problem.
The WOF approach to communication is problem-solving rather than emphatic listening. From this perspective, the point of listening is to figure out a solution to a problem as quickly as possible.
The problem with WOF is that, while partners may sometimes ask their mates for help dealing with a difficult issue or situation, not all conversations are about solving problems.
Empathic Listening
In fact, most conversations are not about solving problems. They are about one partner needing to express feelings. What they want from their partner is not a solution so much as to be heard, emotionally understood, and cared about. These are the essential elements of empathy.
The problem with the WOF approach to listening is that it is rational and hurried. It’s not concerned with emotions or feelings. Likewise, it doesn’t understand that emotional support and understanding are needed from their response.
Being in a hurry may also lead a listener to stop listening as soon as they think they’ve found a solution. In doing so, they may cut off or interrupt the speaker before they finish speaking and revealing their full concern.
Here is a common example of how WOF thinking can result in miscommunication. Imagine a wife who has come home from having her hair done by a new hairdresser. She walks in the door and says, “Hi, Hon. How do I look ?”
Although this may seem like a normal question, it is not. The wife’s underlying emotion, which is probably exposed by her facial expression and the tone in her voice, is fear and need for reassurance; “Please tell me that I don’t look hideous!”
The point is that empathic listening requires more than just paying attention to the literal meaning of spoken words. Emotional understanding also involves noticing nonverbal aspects of a person’s speech.
Some Tips:
Unfortunately, men tend to be problem solvers by nature. Learning to attend to these emotional cues takes some time and effort. Here are some tips to help couples learn how to be direct in what kinds of conversation they want to have and how to listen and respond emphatically: Improving Communication | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
For the Speaker :
1) Make sure your Partner is Available and Wants to Talk.
Don’t assume that he is available just because you need to talk. Check it out first by asking.
2) Be Clear about what type of Conversation you want to have.
If you want to brainstorm a problem or get advice, say so. On the other hand, if you want him just to listen, tell him. If your partner isn’t immediately available, try journaling your thoughts and feelings.
3) Don’t start a conversation if you are upset.
First, try journaling to wring out the intense emotion before talking to your partner. Then, try talking to your mate when you feel calmer and more reasonable.
4) Be Direct and Use I-Statements:
The key to I-statements is to focus on yourself and not the other person. Rather than critiquing him, say what you feel and want.
For the Listener
1)Don’t agree to have a conversation if you are involved in something else or you aren’t ready to listen.
Be honest with yourself and your partner. Remember, an invitation to talk does not obligate you to do so.
2) When you agree to talk, put everything else aside and focus on your mate.
Empathic listening requires being fully present and not trying to multi-task. If you are busy or not mentally available, say so and propose another time.
3) Listen to the tone of the feeling and not just the meaning of the words.
Notice things like volume, tone, facial expressions, and body language. Ask yourself, apart from the words, what she is feeling.
5) Remember: In communication, less is more.
The good news for those who want to listen more emphatically is that it requires less work. Instead of coming up with some clever solution, all that is needed is being emotionally/supportively present. 10 tips for active listening – BHF
While good communication is crucial, it is important to view it as a personal goal and not an externally imposed obligation. Learning about and getting to know what your partner feels and wants deepens your love and connection with your mate.
Although some of these tips are not intuitive, you’ll find that taking some time to learn to think before you speak and while you listen will pay huge dividends in your relationships and happiness.
Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P,C. 1 18 2025
