How long has it been since you flirted with your spouse ? If it’s been a while, here are some things to think about if flirting with your parter sounds like fun.
To begin, flirting has a some what questionable reputation due to its association with an activity conducted with someone to whom one is not married, It’s rarely talked about when considering ways to improve one’s marriage or sex life. Let me explain why it is important for both enriching a relationship and protecting marriage from infidelity.
Infidelity and Flirting
Infidelity is a huge problem for many relationships. While there are many reasons why partners cheat, not feelling appreciated and feeling taken for granted rank high on the list.
After a few years of marriage, there is a tendency for folks to slip into comfortable but not necessarily excioting routines. As a result, they stop trying to be attractive to or flirt with their mates.
Many of the efforts made while courting disappear. The way we dress, the way we talk to each other become mundane. Little surprises and considerate gestures become fewer and fewer. Thus, romance dims.
Flirting and Neuro-chemistry
By contrast, one reason that affairs occur is because they are new and exciting and energized. People involved in affairs go out of their way to make each other feel special. That special feeling is the result of a complex release of substances like dopamine, phenylethylamine and serotonin. .
This special attention is very attractive and powerful. The narcotic-like substances that the brain releases are addictive. Sadly, when that neuro-transmitter hit is not forthcoming at home, some folks look to find it elsewhere.
Behaviorally, affairs often begin innocently with flirting, that is playful gestures of attraction which are meant for amusement more than a serious intent. However, if continued, the playful can become serious and lead to an actual acting out of infidelilty.
When taken with the fact that many couples complain that their love life isn’t what it used to be, affairs, even though wrong and risky, can happen. To make matters even worse, the technology of the internet and explicit affair-arranging websites like Ashley Madison have made having sex outside of marriage as easy as making a few key strokes .
Many marriages start out with flirting but, over the years, the playful banter stopped. The good news is that couples who flirt with each other can reignite playfulness and passion as well as reduce their risk having affairs.
So, here is some information about flirting that can help you to put the spark back in your marriage and protect it from affairs..
Flirting and Human Insecurity
Emotinally, the exciting engergy connected with flirting is not just about sex. It also has a biological and psychological dimensions invovling a person’s with a sense of self-worth and personal value.
Here is a secret that few folks realize or talk about. Human nature is insecure and fragile. Our self-esteem requires frequent affirmations and emotional stroking. Even though couples have taken vows and love to each other, sustaining the feeling of being loved requires ongoing reinforcement.
It is important to remember that most of us are insecure about our physical and sexual desirability. We need alot of reassurance. Knowing that we were attractive to our mate years ago doesn’t help in calming the the worry that we may no longer be.
Flirting provides re-assurance that we still “have it”. Not only do we and our partners need frequent reminders, not flirting can send a negative and unintentional message . Feeling unattractive can make you more susceptible to flattery or flirting from someone else. Flirting with Your Spouse | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Problematic Attitudes and Myths about Sex and Flirting:
In addition to our emotional vulnerability, myths and ignorance interfere with our efforts to sustain intimancy.
— Undervaluing sex in marriage.
A common reason for not flirting is is related to the way many married folks tend to undervalue sex. Sex may not be the most important thing in marriage but it’s in the top five! It matters and folks need to be unembarassed to acknowledge it.
— Sexual interest naturally declines in marriage as we age.
Likewise, many erroneouosly asume that sexual interest naturally fades in marriage. Passion can fade but it’s not inevitable. To sustain it, one needs to be nurture it. Given good health, and attention, good sex is a lifetime marital entitlement. Flirting is a good way to nuture physical intimacy.
— When passion dies, nothing can bring it back.
Another problem is the false idea that excitement in marriage naturally fades and nothing can be done to bring it back. Nonsense ! The complexity of being married with jobs and children takes a toll on romance . Valuing physical initmacy and making an effort can counter these negative foreces. Having a long and satisfying sex life doesn’t just happen. It requires planning and effort..
— Flirting always leads to sex.
One last misunderstanding is the myth that flirting must lead to sex. In fact, marital flirting is not necessarily foreplay and it doesn’t have to lead to sex. Flirting simply expresses a desire to let you know that I find you attractive and I want to have sex with you… when we can.
What if you don’t feel like flirting?
Here’s is another secret. Because of all the factors that stress and fatigue us, sometimes we are not attracted to our spouse. That is normal and nothing to worry about. That said, it’s important not to ignore your lack of desire. If you’ve lost that loving feeling, find out why.
There are lots of reasons. Being over-booked, fatigue, stress, unexspressed anger and resentment with one’s partner top the list. Also, predictable routines and the lack of novelty can kill passion. Chaging things up with flirting and some novelty can quickly revive faded interest.
If you realize your love life is not what you would like or if you have trouble being playful about sex, don’t keep it too yourself. Talk it over with your partner. If you’re aware of a problem, chances are s/he is aware of it, too.
To repeat, given all the stress and obligations in family life, romance doesn’t just happen, it requires nurturing and intentional care.
Making time for romance and flirting is a good way to keeping romance running smoothly. You will be amazed what a big difference a small gesture can make. 21-Ways-to-flirt-with-your-husband-Final.pdf
If passion is flagging and the excitement in your marriage is missing, don’t dispair. It doesn’t have to be that way. Spicing up your relationship with some flirting can bring back the passion. If flirting doesnt do the trick, licensed professionals are available to help .
Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 11 17 2024
