There is no denying that over the past few years, civility in political rhetoric has declined. Unfortunately, the crudeness of our politicians has also coarsened the discourse of many regular Americans. Given this regrettable trend, it seems to be a good time to step back and remember that advocating for a position can be done respectfully and without vulgarity .http://Assertiveness | Psychology Today
Effective civil advocacy is called assertiveness. From the get-go, it needs to be emphasized that angry, obscene, and abusive language has no place in assertive dialog. Nonetheless, many erroneously assume that incivility and assertiveness go hand in hand. Given that common myth, let’s set the record straight. Secrets of Assertiveness 101: | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Defining Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a social skill that relies heavily on effective communication while simultaneously respecting the thoughts and wishes of others. People who are assertive clearly and respectfully communicate their wants, needs, positions, and boundaries to others.
While this definition is pretty straightforward, it’s important to also understand some of the common misconceptions connected to assertiveness. For example:
Often, folks who have trouble expressing their wants and needs falsely believe that the only way to get their point across is to yell or get angry. In fact, assertive communication, like all effective communication, is calm and rational. When you hear a raised voice or offensive language, you know that the person is not in the reasonable part of their brain. Likewise, the notion that assertiveness implies aggressiveness or inconsiderate behavior is false. Assertiveness fundamentally differs from aggressiveness both in the way it civilly expresses itself and in its awareness and respect for others.
.— Assertiveness Ruins Friendships and Relationships.
A second myth about assertiveness is that it creates unpleasant conflicts that can ruin relationships. Again, it’s not the rational communication of one’s wants that creates problems; it’s the aggressive or hostile way that they are expressed that alienates others.
Unfortunately, many folks confuse a difference with a conflict. Sadly, as a result, those who are conflict-avoidant are averse to expressing what they want or like when it differs from what is expected or required. While it is true that some people require sameness and cannot tolerate diverse opinions or choices, a demand for sameness is a serious problem that must change for the relationship to survive. Put simply, assertiveness assumes that people are different and holds that the differences are entitled to be expressed and respected
— Assertive People Are Selfish and Don’t Compromise
Another myth is that assertiveness is selfish, rigid and insensitive to the needs of others. Quite the opposite is true. Assertiveness often leads to negotiation and compromise. Effective conflict resolution, rather than being rigid, is flexible, taking both sides of an issue into account and respecting each side.
Tips for Being More Assertive
1) Be aware of the reasons why being assertive is difficult for you.
Anyone who seeks to become more assertive must first be aware of why it is difficult for them. People who have trouble advocating for themselves often have a traumatic childhood history in which direct expressions of their wants had bad consequences.
For example, some were met with harsh rebuke; others were raised in homes where they learned to consider others’ needs but not their own. Still others were rejected or emotionally abandoned for daring to challenge what was expected of them.
When one encounters frustration while trying to assert one’s needs, it is important to remember that the negative feelings triggered come from the past, not the present. It is important to realize the differences in power and independence between being a child and a grown adult. Many non-assertive reactions stem from feeling like one is still a child rather than seeing oneself as a capable adult.
2) Know your own needs and that you’re entitled to express them.
Many non-assertive folks are out of touch with their own preferences and wants. Many don’t even feel entitled to their own needs, much less to express them. By contrast, assertive folks understand that, as human beings, they are entitled to their choices and to advocate for and express them.
3) Remember, being assertive communicates directly and with clarity what you want.
Non-assertive people are indirect in making their wants known. They beat around the bush rather than come right out and say what they want. By contrast, assertive communication is explicit and direct. Learning to speak with I-statements, communicate without provoking, focusing on expressing what one is feeling and what one wants rather than blaming and name-calling, are an effective ways to get your point across without alienating the other,
4) Speak up and challenge what you’re told when you disagree.
Perhaps one of the biggest obstacles to being assertive is also the easiest to overcome. Simply, don’t automatically accept everything you’re told or read. When encountering a frustrating circumstance where you’ve been told that you can’t do something, there is no harm in asking if exceptions can be made.
Being assertive doesn’t guarantee you will always get what you want, but not being assertive guarantees no exception will be made.
5) Don’t passively settle; Negotiate.
When it comes to challenging what you’re told, the way you challenge is crucial. Assertive challenges don’t demand; they seek compromise. Instead of either/or results, assertive outcomes are the result of choosing from various options. The process of reaching an outcome often involves a give-and-take process of negotiating back and forth until an agreement emerges.A Nice Person’s Guide To Becoming More Assertive – MIND FOR LIFE
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Putting all of these observations into perspective, it’s clear that many folks struggle to be authentically assertive. The extremes of angry demands on one end or passive compliance on the other expose that folks need to learn direct, clear and respectful communication skills.
The good news is, like with all skills, you get better with practice. Hopefully, these tips will help you live a more assertive, more fulfilling, and less frustrating life.
Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 6 19 2026
