What comes to mind when you hear the word forgiveness ?
When one is betrayed or treated unjustly, it’s normal to feel anger and resentment. Sometimes, however, the initial reaction doesn’t go away and the ill feelings can disrupt relationships and get in the way of living.
Religion and moral teachings have taught us that when a person is wronged, they should forgive. Indeed, forgiveness is not only the right thing to do, but it is also good for our physical and mental health. Forgiveness | Psychology Today
Ironically, despite its benefits, for many people, forgiveness is difficult to achieve. That’s unfortunate because not forgiving and holding a grudge is detrimental to both our mental and physical health. The Destructive Power of Resentment | Master’s Counselling Calgary
Specifically, unrelenting resentment elevates cortisol levels, which correlate to increased emotional problems such as irritability, depression, and stress. Likewise, it’s not secret that unchecked stress levels can lead to a number of serious physical disorders How Holding a Grudge Can Hurt You
Why would something that is so obviously good be so hard to achieve? Part of the reason forgiving is so difficult is that much of what we have been led to believe about it is false.
For example, according to Google, forgiveness is ” a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you…”
Wrong . Understanding forgiveness as an intentional decision misconstrues its reality. It assumes that one can forgive when, in fact, they may not be. Psychology views forgiveness as a complex process, not a simple decision. Let me explain:
Why Forgiveness is not a Conscious Choice
Sadly, when one is told they must decide to forgive, it implies that one can forgive but is choosing not to, i.e., they are consciously holding on to resentments because they don’t want to forgive.
Frankly, the idea that people intentionally hold on to resentment gets things backward. Instead of them holding on to resentment, resentment holds on to them.
In fact, in most cases, forgiveness is outside volitional control. Let me repeat, in contrast to popular opinion, resentment has a hold on the person. Forgiveness can not happen until the hold is broken. Bursting the Forgiveness Myth | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Forgiveness as Healing from an Emotional Wound
A more accurate way to understand the experiences of resentment and forgiveness is to think of them like a physical wound and the healing process.
Anger is like an ugly scab. When the skin is cut, a scab forms over the wound to protect it from infection. In the same way, when someone feels wronged, the emotional scab of anger and resentment forms..
The psychological function of anger is to create the illusion of power. Feeling strong calms the panic of powerlessness created by the injustice.
Consider how anger expresses itself. We raise our voice and make cutting remarks to make ourselves feel bigger and stronger. The result is that, temporarily, we feel safer and more in control.
Forgiveness is the scab falling off. With a flesh wound, the scab falls off only when the underlying wound is healed. In the same way, when a person has emotionally healed, i.e., they realize they are neither permanently ruined nor vulnerable. With the threat removed, the protective emotions of anger and resentment are no longer needed and fall away.
It is essential to recognize that forgiveness encompasses more than just the immediate injustice. Sometimes it is hard to understand why it takes a person so long to get over a seemingly minor offense.
Emotional wounds that don’t heal quickly are often due to their connection to other deep and unhealed wounds experienced in the past. Forgiveness in these instances requires healing wounds from both the present and the past.
Forgiveness Does Not Require Reconciliation
Another misconception regarding forgiveness is the misleading belief that forgiveness must lead to reconciliation. Sometimes it does not.
Likewise, the adage “forgive and forget” is not always true . Forgiveness does not mean that you forget. In fact, when the offense is serious, remembering the lesson of the trauma may be crucial to healing and emotional growth.
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One more thing, if forgiveness is a problem, try to understand why instead of just blaming yourself. Also, stop comparing yourself to someone else. Not everyone forgives the same. The level of intrusiveness of past emotional wounds usually determines the ability to forgive.
Also, one’s resilience and ability to recover from trauma are related to one’s overall mental and physical health. Premorbid conditions can complicate and prevent healing and forgiving.
Remember, all healing takes time. Just as one person may heal from a physical wound more quickly than another, so too with anger and grudges.
That said, whenever forgiveness is felt, it changes everything. Freed from obsessing about someone who hurt you, can open yourself to living more fully in the present and anticipate a better future.
If forgiveness is difficult for you, remember that you don’t have to struggle alone. Talking with a therapist can really help .
Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. 7 02 2025
