by Rev. Michael Heath | Feb 2, 2026
For many reasons, these are very strange times. For someone who helps individuals and couples deal with sexual issues, a glaring paradox stands out: On one hand, research shows that the use of internet pornography is on the rise. On the other hand, both individuals and couples report having less sex.
While some suggest that using porn leads to havingless sex, it’s not that simple. There is no convincing evidence that porn use diminishes interest in having sex with a partner. While not completely understood, here are some of the factors responsible for this perplexing trend:
The Internet and Pornography
The rise of problems connected to pornography correlates directly with the innovation of the internet. The impact of the dramatic change in pornography’s availability accounts for its increased use.
Sexually erotic materials used to be kept from pubic view. For example, drug stores used to hide Playboy magazines under the counter. Today, however, porn is instantly available to anyone, including children, with the click of a mouse. 2025 Porn Addiction Statistics – Rates, Demographics & Effects – Addiction Resource
To be clear, however, the rise in folks viewing pornography does not mean that most people prefer porn to sex. There are other reasons which explain why folks are having less sex.
by Rev. Michael Heath | Jan 16, 2026
Over the years, I’ve found that it’s difficult for men to listen to their wives, i.e. really hear what she is trying say. Part of the problem is that men and women are psychologically different.
Fundamental differences
A fundamental difference in their emotional makeup creates misunderstanding. According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, 75% of men are, by nature, Ts (thinkers and problem solvers). On the other hand, 75% of women are Fs (primarily concerned with feelings and getting along).16 Personality Test, discover your personality type, gain insights into potential, interpersonal relationships and career development | 16PersonalityLab AI
These different character traits result in different understandings of what talking is for. That is, men listen for a problem. When women talk to their mates, they tend to express their emotions. Men seek to solve a problem while women want to be heard and connected to their partner. While men often assume that their mates want answers but their partners often really just want empathy. Becoming a Good Listener: From Advice Giving to Non-Anxious Listener | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
You see how the wires get crossed. For example, after a man listens and offers what he thinks is a good suggestion, instead of being thanked, his wife accuses him of being controlling and of telling her what to do. Indeed, he didn’t understand the upset she was feeling and jumped ahead to trying to solve her problem, even though she hadn’t asked him to.
** (I am not suggesting that men are the only problem when it comes to having intimate communication. Often, women are not direct when they speak and don’t explicitly say what they need. We’ll take this up another time,)
Fortunately, most men are educable and can learn to decode indirect messages and find the underlying feeling tone. However, learning to be empathically present in conversation is more complicated than it\ first appears. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/he-speaks-she-speaks/201602/are-men-really-lousy-listeners
Here are some tips to help you learn to be a better, more empathic listener:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Oct 17, 2025
Feeling loved and desired is a problem for many couples who have been together for a while. I frequently hear from a husband or wife who feels romantically stuck. Although things weren’t bad in their relationship, they felt that the spark had gone out.
The good news is that, while it’s common for romance and desire to fall into a rut, there are effective ways for couples to work their way out of it. The key is to learn how to talk to one another about what they are feeling. Intimate Communication | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
The problem is that talking about intimate feelings is difficult.
The Problem: Bad Habits.
For many folks, talking to one another is difficult because they have gotten out of the habit. While they talked a lot when they first fell in love, over the years, people get busy. Intentionally not setting limits for jobs, kids and other responsibilities results in there being no time for sharing.. Fortunately, one couples realize the need for creating time for each other, new habits can be created that will rekindle old passions.
Start with Simple Things.
I recently read an article that listed 15 questions that good wives ask their husbands. Women who are excellent wives constantly ask their husbands these 15 questions
In fact, this list of questions was not simply for wives; Husbands can talk with their spouses about them as well. Indeed, these simple and positive questions can help couples who have difficulty talking to one another about their feelings break the ice.
The key is to start slowly and think positively. While serious conversations about interpersonal problems can be difficult, they are doable. The key is for couples to understand that intimate communication is a process and not a single conversation,
With this understanding, couples realize that issues don’t have to be resolved all at once. Over time, positive experiences with smaller items help couples gain the confidence to speak honestly. This success with small conversations builds the trust necessary for tackling more complicated issues successfully.
With some effort and repetition, however, couples can get the hang of it and learn to share their experience. With this in mind, let’s look at some helpful conversation starters that can break the ice and begin the journey to better communication:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Aug 3, 2025
Psychotherapy, like other healthcare fields, is a constantly evolving endeavor. Over the years, research and practice have expanded our understanding and refined the techniques used to treat psychological disorders.
47 years of practicing psychotherapy helps me appreciate how things have changed. Here are some observations. Counseling: An Update. | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Psychotherapy: From the Beginning
Many people are unaware that the counseling profession is relatively young. Of course, clergy and teachers have helped folks over the centuries, but the start of a medical profession dates back to the late 19th century and Sigmund Freud.
Freud discovered that mental problems could, in addition to medical causes, be the result of psychological trauma. His approach in sessions was to listen while the patient “free associated”, i.e., to say whatever came into their minds.
Freud believed that given time, a person would uncover emotional conflicts created by childhood trauma and that the therapist’s job was to interpret the meaning of what the patient said. In other words, therapy “connected the dots”, and revealed how the past interferes with the person’s present experience.
This increased awareness freed a person from the control of unconscious trauma. In addition to feeling better, greater self-knowledge helped the person to change and eliminate unwanted behaviors.
Behaviorism
In the early 20th century, behavioral therapies, inspired by Pavlov and Watson, arose as an alternative to analytic approaches. Unlike analysis, behavioral therapies placed an emphasis on redirecting conditioned responses rather than increasing awareness.
They believed that understanding is unnecessary to treat psychological problems. Essentially, creating new behavior patterns changes behavior, which changes how you feel,
Some Other Changes
Somewhere in the 1950’s two other developments took place which complicated the treatment of mental disorders. The field of psychopharmacology introduces medication for depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia.
Likewise, psychologists, social workers, and other types of mental health practitioners who were not medical doctors began counseling. These new professions spawned a variety of therapies Different approaches to psychotherapy
As a result, since these new practitioners were not medical doctors, a new attitude toward the people served emerged. Individuals, couples and families were regarded as clients and not as patients.
In addition to these changes, here are 6 major advances in psychotherapy which define the state of the art today:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Jun 4, 2025
Over the years, attitudes about counseling as well as counseling itself have changed. While the stigma connected to counseling may have declined, many misconceptions about it still endure.
In addition, new research has brought significant change to both how we understand and treat emotional problems.
Today, I want to update your understanding and answer some common questions that many folks have about psychotherapy.
by Rev. Michael Heath | Jan 18, 2025
Good communication between partners is one of the most important skills for married couples. Not surprisingly, it is also the most common problem for couples seeking counseling.
While there are different kinds of communication skills, the ability to empathize is essential for maintaining loving relationships.
Today, I want to talk about a major obstacle to empathy. Men, especially, struggle with what I call the “Wheel of Fortune” problem (WOF).
“The Wheel of Fortune” Listening
You’re familiar with the game show, right? Vanna White would turn hidden letters to reveal a familiar phrase. Contestants vied to identify a familiar phrase with the fewest uncovered letters.
In my experience, some partners, mostly men, think listening is like playing the Wheel of Fortune. In other words, they understand a conversation to be an exchange in which their mate presents a problem.
The WOF approach to communication is problem-solving rather than emphatic listening. From this perspective, the point of listening is to figure out a solution to a problem as quickly as possible
The problem with WOF is that, while partners may sometimes ask their mates for help dealing with a difficult issue or situation, not all conversations are about solving problems.
by Rev. Michael Heath | Jul 6, 2024
Recently, I’ve noticed that more couples are coming to me seeking help before moving in together. While I’ve done pre-marital counseling for many years, what is surprising is that unmarried couples who plan to live together want help too.
Some of these folks have never lived with another person and are looking for basic information about how to get along. Others complain about certain frustrating tendencies in their relationship and want help to prevent them from becoming problems.
Pre-moving-in counseling aims to provide: 1) Realistic expectations for what is involved in becoming a couple; 2) Basic communication and conflict-resolution skills. This lack of understanding is, often due to the lack of preparation provided by families or our educational system; 3) A review of the common adjustments and pitfalls couples living together for the first time face. Here are the basics:
1) REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Reviewing a couple’s expectations is important because those expectations are often unrealistic. Many don’t appreciate the enormity of the psychological change involved in becoming a partner.
Over the years I’ve found that couples erroneously believe that living together will be just like living apart and that the transition will be automatic and seamless. While some folks do it more easily than others, the normal adjustments require understanding, intentional negotiations and planning.
When moving in, it’s important to expect some level of anxiety. this is because any change in a routine may create uneasiness and upsets in a relationship. Sometimes couples misunderstand these kerflufies as an indication of a serious relationship problem. Most often, they aren’t.
Having realistic expectations involving the process of getting settled in a new living arrangement means understanding that change is difficult. Anticipating a stressful period of adjustment can normalize the difficult moment and prevent needless worry.
Likewise, it is important to understand that working things out does not just happen. It takes effort and patience. Unrealistic Expectations: The Importance of Recognizing and Reality-Testing Them. | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)
2) COMMUNICATION, EXPRESSING ANGER AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION
In addition to realistic expectations, good communication skills are important to maintain good relations during a time of change as well as going forward. The decision to live together is a perfect time for a couple to learn and perfect their communication skills .
I-statements are the key to constructive communication. In addition to expressing a person’s feelings and wants, they also provide a way to express anger constructively and without attacks or name-calling.
Learning to process anger and restore a reasonable state of mind is necessary to successful conflict resolution and to negotiate win/win outcomes.
In addition to having realistic expectations and skills, here are some common potential problems. Anticipating and working on them in advance can greatly reduce the stress of learning to live together. Chores, finances, emotions: Tips for couples moving in together – Vox :
by Rev. Michael Heath | Jun 19, 2024
Recently, you may have heard that the Surgeon General of the United States urged Congress to place a black box warning label on social media. We’ve all seen them before on various prescription bottles as well as on all tobacco products.
In this case, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy told Congress that the labels are needed because compelling evidence shows that children who watch more than 5 hours of social media a day are twice as likely to experience anxiety and depression compared to those who did not.
In addition, studies reveal that kids who are heavily involved in social media like Snapchat, Instagram, YouTube and TikTok develop poor body image and self-esteem. The constant exposure to perfect bodies and amazing accomplishments posted by their peers leads kids to experience a false sense of inferiority and inadequacy. Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health | HHS.gov
Many folks have been concerned about the long-term effects of smartphones and social media on child development for years., However, the conclusions of repeated studies regarding the impact of social media on a child’s mental health are clear. SMART PHONES AND TEENS | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)
Admittedly, smartphones and social media have become integral parts of modern life. Thinking that children can be protected from any exposure is unrealistic. That said, there are basic steps that parents can take to reduce exposure and thus minimize this risk for their children. Here are some tips to consider for your family:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Jun 3, 2024
Recent studies reveal that people are having less sex. For single folks under 40, more than half haven’t had sex in a year. This trend is also reported among married folks as well. Americans Are Having Less Sex, So Experts Say It’s Time to Shift Our Focus From...
by Rev. Michael Heath | May 15, 2024
Recently, FETV began airing the original Leave It to Beaver television series and I couldn’t resist watching it. Leave it to Beaver | FETV CBS first aired the series on Friday, October 4th, 1957 at 700 pm. In 1958 it switched to ABC on Thursday night. List of Leave It to Beaver episodes – Wikipedia
LTB was my favorite TV shows when I was growing up. I suppose that was due, in part, to the fact that Jerry Mathers, (who played Theodore Cleaver, “The Beaver”) and I were the same age. I could really relate to his weekly adventures and mishaps.
The Critics
Over the years, critics panned the show for idealizing and avoiding difficult reality. It, along with other shows like Ozzie and Harriet and The Donna Reed Show, are often cited as prime examples of the sugar-coated programming of the 1950s .
Many critics have rightly noticed that everything in the Cleaver household was just too perfect. Indeed, serious problems were never explored. Each episode presented a neat and tidy moral lesson and a happy ending. To be fair, the Zeitgeist of the 50s was softer than the coarser texture of today’s culture.
One wonders how Ward and June would have faired if they were confronted with a serious medical crisis or an alcohol or infidelity problem. Likewise, we are curious how they would have dealt with things like social media or internet porn. The SG on SM & Kids | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)
Those differences noted, rewatching the episodes surprised me. Despite its age, I believe the series offers important lessons for us today but not in the traditional way.
Praise for Leave it to Beaver has centered around its wholesome moral lessons, While true, I found LTB’s greater contribution was not so much in its moralizing but in the ways it used constructive communication and empathy skills to deal with everyday problems.
Despite the dramatic changes in culture and technology, I found the fundamental ways that the Cleavers talked to and treated one another amazing. Even though I-statement training was not around until after the series had ended, they used its insights and refrained from blaming or name-calling.
I have found the shows so helpful that I have started using LTB episodes with couples and families to show what important communication and empathy concepts look like in action. Here are some examples from an episode from 1958.
