Romantic Myths: Out, Realistic Views In
With all of the bad news flooding the media today, you may have missed an important growing trend. Over the past few years, divorce rates for first-time marriages dropped from 50% to almost 40%. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
The reason for the change is not fully known. Couples marrying later, at 30 rather than at 21, may be one reason. Couples having a more realistic understanding of love and marriage is another important factor.
As information increases, more folks are letting go of the traditional yet grossly unrealistic ideas of romantic love (RL). Specifically, folks today have a better understanding of what love is and what is needed to make a marriage last
Today, I want to contrast RL with Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh’s Emergent Love Model (ELM). Dr. Nasserzadeh’s work provides a useful summary of a more realistic view of love and marriage. Rethinking Relationships: The Emergent Love Model | Psychology Today.
Rather than myths https://revmichaelheath.com/on-romantic-love/, Dr. Nasserzadeh’s model is based on rigorous research that reveals the qualities of good and lasting marriages. Beyond identifying the essential elements of marriage, this model also dispels the romantic myth concerning love.
This view posits that love is what people experience as a result of a six-factor cluster of loving behaviors. In other words, although an initial attraction may “just happen,” mature and sustainable love requires intentional effort and commitment.
With this in mind, let’s review the basics of romantic love and marriage (RL), and then the more realistic Emergent Love Model (ELM).
Assertiveness & Incivility
There is no denying that over the past few years, civility in political rhetoric has declined. Unfortunately, the crudeness of our politicians has also coarsened the discourse of many regular Americans. Given this regrettable trend, it seems to be a good time to step back and remember that advocating for a position can be done respectfully and without vulgarity .http://Assertiveness | Psychology Today
Effective civil advocacy is called assertiveness. From the get-go, it needs to be emphasized that angry, obscene, and abusive language has no place in assertive dialog. Nonetheless, many erroneously assume that incivility and assertiveness go hand in hand. Given that common myth, let’s set the record straight. Secrets of Assertiveness 101: | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Defining Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a social skill that relies heavily on effective communication while simultaneously respecting the thoughts and wishes of others. People who are assertive clearly and respectfully communicate their wants, needs, positions, and boundaries to others.
While this definition is pretty straightforward, it’s important to also understand some of the common misconceptions connected to assertiveness. For example:
Marriage Tune-Up
DOES YOUR MARRIAGE NEED A TUNE-UP ?
How are things going in your marriage? Are you having more arguments and less sex ? Do you feel distant from one another ? Are you laughing less and shouting more ?
The fact is, even the best marriages go through dry patches and rough times. That’s because intimate relationships are complicated and don’t run all by themselves. They require ongoing care and effort. That’s why it’s important to have a marital tune-up from time to time, when a couple reflects on what areas may need improvement. Marriage Tune-up | The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology
With that in mind, when’s the last time you thought about how well your marriage was running? If you’re like many folks, it’s been a while. Rather than thinking of marriage as something that takes care of itself, it’s more helpful to think of a relationship like an automobile that requires regular maintenance to run smoothly.
If talking about a tune-up sounds too mechanical, giving your marriage a spring cleaning is another way to think about marital relationship maintenance. Spring Cleaning Your Marriage: Tips for Rejuvenating Romance | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY However you refer to it, it’s important to take time to assess and address what isn’t working before it becomes a serious problem.
With that in mind, here are some tips for dealing with the most common problems in marriage. While a tune-up takes some effort, you’ll be amazed by what a difference it makes.
Intimate Listening 101.
“Why can’t s/he just listen to me ? ” is a common complaint I hear regularly from couples. Over the years, men have been criticized a lot for jumping in with solutions to problems rather than taking the time to listen to what their wives were trying to express. Indeed, I’ve even written about how men need to listen to feelings more and hold off on trying to fix problems. On Men and Listening | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
While often true, it’s important to understand that men are not the sole cause of communication problems in intimate relationships. The skills needed for folks to understand each other apply to both men and women. Unfortunately, we don’t teach these skills in school. As a result, unnecessary misunderstandings occur.
Intimate Communication
Before reviewing basic listening skills, it’s important to clarify what intimate communication entails. Intimate communication differs from everyday conversation because emotions change the meaning of the words.
For example, when I go to the bank and ask the teller to make a withdrawal, the crucial meaning of the transaction is the exact amount I wish to receive. How I’m feeling when I make the request does not impact what I am trying to convey.
Not so with marital banter. Consider when a wife comes home from a hair appointment with a new stylist and asks her husband, “How do I look ?”
The meaning of her comment depends on what she is feeling, pleased, unsure or horrified. Intimate listening decodes or translates literal communication to discover the underlying feeling tone. Understanding what a partner is saying is about hearing 1) what the person is feeling and 2)_what they want. Characteristics of Effective Listening | Chicago Center for Teaching and Learning | The University of Chicago.
Here are some tips that will help you hear the underlying emotion in your partner’s communication.
The Erotic Paradox
For many reasons, these are very strange times. For someone who helps individuals and couples deal with sexual issues, a glaring paradox stands out: On one hand, research shows that the use of internet pornography is on the rise. On the other hand, both individuals and couples report having less sex.
While some suggest that using porn leads to havingless sex, it’s not that simple. There is no convincing evidence that porn use diminishes interest in having sex with a partner. While not completely understood, here are some of the factors responsible for this perplexing trend:
The Internet and Pornography
The rise of problems connected to pornography correlates directly with the innovation of the internet. The impact of the dramatic change in pornography’s availability accounts for its increased use.
Sexually erotic materials used to be kept from pubic view. For example, drug stores used to hide Playboy magazines under the counter. Today, however, porn is instantly available to anyone, including children, with the click of a mouse. 2025 Porn Addiction Statistics – Rates, Demographics & Effects – Addiction Resource
To be clear, however, the rise in folks viewing pornography does not mean that most people prefer porn to sex. There are other reasons which explain why folks are having less sex.
On Men and Listening
Over the years, I’ve found that it’s difficult for men to listen to their wives, i.e. really hear what she is trying say. Part of the problem is that men and women are psychologically different.
Fundamental differences
A fundamental difference in their emotional makeup creates misunderstanding. According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, 75% of men are, by nature, Ts (thinkers and problem solvers). On the other hand, 75% of women are Fs (primarily concerned with feelings and getting along).16 Personality Test, discover your personality type, gain insights into potential, interpersonal relationships and career development | 16PersonalityLab AI
These different character traits result in different understandings of what talking is for. That is, men listen for a problem. When women talk to their mates, they tend to express their emotions. Men seek to solve a problem while women want to be heard and connected to their partner. While men often assume that their mates want answers but their partners often really just want empathy. Becoming a Good Listener: From Advice Giving to Non-Anxious Listener | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
You see how the wires get crossed. For example, after a man listens and offers what he thinks is a good suggestion, instead of being thanked, his wife accuses him of being controlling and of telling her what to do. Indeed, he didn’t understand the upset she was feeling and jumped ahead to trying to solve her problem, even though she hadn’t asked him to.
** (I am not suggesting that men are the only problem when it comes to having intimate communication. Often, women are not direct when they speak and don’t explicitly say what they need. We’ll take this up another time,)
Fortunately, most men are educable and can learn to decode indirect messages and find the underlying feeling tone. However, learning to be empathically present in conversation is more complicated than it\ first appears. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/he-speaks-she-speaks/201602/are-men-really-lousy-listeners
Here are some tips to help you learn to be a better, more empathic listener:
INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS
Feeling loved and desired is a problem for many couples who have been together for a while. I frequently hear from a husband or wife who feels romantically stuck. Although things weren’t bad in their relationship, they felt that the spark had gone out.
The good news is that, while it’s common for romance and desire to fall into a rut, there are effective ways for couples to work their way out of it. The key is to learn how to talk to one another about what they are feeling. Intimate Communication | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
The problem is that talking about intimate feelings is difficult.
The Problem: Bad Habits.
For many folks, talking to one another is difficult because they have gotten out of the habit. While they talked a lot when they first fell in love, over the years, people get busy. Intentionally not setting limits for jobs, kids and other responsibilities results in there being no time for sharing.. Fortunately, one couples realize the need for creating time for each other, new habits can be created that will rekindle old passions.
Start with Simple Things.
I recently read an article that listed 15 questions that good wives ask their husbands. Women who are excellent wives constantly ask their husbands these 15 questions
In fact, this list of questions was not simply for wives; Husbands can talk with their spouses about them as well. Indeed, these simple and positive questions can help couples who have difficulty talking to one another about their feelings break the ice.
The key is to start slowly and think positively. While serious conversations about interpersonal problems can be difficult, they are doable. The key is for couples to understand that intimate communication is a process and not a single conversation,
With this understanding, couples realize that issues don’t have to be resolved all at once. Over time, positive experiences with smaller items help couples gain the confidence to speak honestly. This success with small conversations builds the trust necessary for tackling more complicated issues successfully.
With some effort and repetition, however, couples can get the hang of it and learn to share their experience. With this in mind, let’s look at some helpful conversation starters that can break the ice and begin the journey to better communication:
Therapy Advances
Psychotherapy, like other healthcare fields, is a constantly evolving endeavor. Over the years, research and practice have expanded our understanding and refined the techniques used to treat psychological disorders.
47 years of practicing psychotherapy helps me appreciate how things have changed. Here are some observations. Counseling: An Update. | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
Psychotherapy: From the Beginning
Many people are unaware that the counseling profession is relatively young. Of course, clergy and teachers have helped folks over the centuries, but the start of a medical profession dates back to the late 19th century and Sigmund Freud.
Freud discovered that mental problems could, in addition to medical causes, be the result of psychological trauma. His approach in sessions was to listen while the patient “free associated”, i.e., to say whatever came into their minds.
Freud believed that given time, a person would uncover emotional conflicts created by childhood trauma and that the therapist’s job was to interpret the meaning of what the patient said. In other words, therapy “connected the dots”, and revealed how the past interferes with the person’s present experience.
This increased awareness freed a person from the control of unconscious trauma. In addition to feeling better, greater self-knowledge helped the person to change and eliminate unwanted behaviors.
Behaviorism
In the early 20th century, behavioral therapies, inspired by Pavlov and Watson, arose as an alternative to analytic approaches. Unlike analysis, behavioral therapies placed an emphasis on redirecting conditioned responses rather than increasing awareness.
They believed that understanding is unnecessary to treat psychological problems. Essentially, creating new behavior patterns changes behavior, which changes how you feel,
Some Other Changes
Somewhere in the 1950’s two other developments took place which complicated the treatment of mental disorders. The field of psychopharmacology introduces medication for depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia.
Likewise, psychologists, social workers, and other types of mental health practitioners who were not medical doctors began counseling. These new professions spawned a variety of therapies Different approaches to psychotherapy
As a result, since these new practitioners were not medical doctors, a new attitude toward the people served emerged. Individuals, couples and families were regarded as clients and not as patients.
In addition to these changes, here are 6 major advances in psychotherapy which define the state of the art today:
Counseling: An Update.
Over the years, attitudes about counseling as well as counseling itself have changed. While the stigma connected to counseling may have declined, many misconceptions about it still endure.
In addition, new research has brought significant change to both how we understand and treat emotional problems.
Today, I want to update your understanding and answer some common questions that many folks have about psychotherapy.
