On Mature Love
Even though Valentine’s Day is past, it’s not too late to think about love; it is an opportunity to go beyond the hearts and flowers of the holiday and consider love’s deeper significance. As a therapist, I know that lasting, mature love is much more than desire. The kind of love that sustains a marriage goes beyond simple attraction. With that in mind, I want to share some thoughts on mature love and offer tips for nurturing true intimacy in a relationship.
The Complex Nature of Love and Desire
Indeed, love is not a simple experience. Unfortunately, the English word does not reveal its nuances. By contrast, the Greek language has five different words to express the different kinds of love:
— Eros, for sexual desire. — Storge for the instinctual love for one’s children, — Philia for brotherly or friendship love, — Agape for unconditional, selfless, divine love for others, and — Pragma for the mature, secure, committed love between husband and wife.
The components of mature love.
With this understanding, it is important to emphasize that the kind of love needed to sustain an adult relationship in marriage is a combination of three types of love: Eros, Philia and Pragma.
WHAT IS LOVE ?
Has there ever been a word more written about than love ?
Everyone seeks it. Most folks think they know what it is. But, ironically, couples often worry about if they are loved or if they are able to love .
Over the centuries, no one has improved on what St. Paul had to say about love in I Corinthians 13.4-7 (rsv) :
” Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
St. Paul is clear about what love (agape) is in relation to a friend or neighbor. However, when love is understood in the context of marriage, it is a little more complicated. The intimacy of a committed adult relationship adds the elements of sexual passion and desire. Navigating and balancing concerns for one’s beloved and for oneself own can be challenging and confusing. Is It Love or Chemistry? Tips for knowing when real love comes along. | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com) To make matters even worse for couples , many of the romantic myths, found in popular literature and media, have created unrealistic expectations about relationships which distort many folks’ understanding of love. Here is an approach that can help us to sort it all out .
On Romantic Love
Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love and romance. Unfortunately, many of the popular beliefs confuse romantic love with true and enduring love.
Typically, romantic notions of true love mistake the magical feeling of infatuation with sustainable love. This conflation comes from classic literature’s portrayal of idealized courtly love. You know, the intoxicating experience of star-crossed lovers such as Romeo and Juliet. Sadly, these stories distort our understanding of what real love is. Worse, they have created unrealistic expectations for those who marry.
Today we are going to debunk at some common myths about love and, instead, provide some helpful suggestions to keep love alive.
Some Thoughts about Love , Addiction and Obsession.
Today I want to talk about a common problem which is, unfortunately, unnecessarily experienced by many folks: being “in love” with an abusive or unloving partner. A common misunderstanding present in these kind of destructive situations is a fundamental confusion about the meaning of love, i.e. where sexual thrills or emotional dependency is mistaken for a mature caring and devotion.
In working with individuals and couples for over 40 years, I have heard the word love used in many ways. Indeed, the Greeks had difference words to capture the many shades of meaning this English word can express.
When it comes to relationships, however, I have frequently observed a confusion between eros and agape or between mania and agape. You really can’t blame folks for being confused. To be honest, American notions of love and romance are a mess. They mush together a mixture of selfish and selfless personal experiences. For example, to be in love may mean feeling a powerfully exciting sexual sensation which is aroused by the person with whom one is in love or it may mean a deep and selfless concern for the wellbeing of the person that one loves. Confusing the two can be problematic. When a person thinks that s/he is in love in a mature way but in fact is primarily attracted to a thrilling sensation, or emotionally/literally is dependent on another person, good judgment is corrupted. Here is how to understand the differences.
Modern science has revealed the neurochemical components of Eros . Eros, which is sometimes falsely
Romantic Myth # 3: Love is a Special Feeling
The feelings of attraction are what get us together, but love is what keeps us together. I know that falling in love includes the special feelings of infatuation and sexual desire but that is not love. Indeed, this observation is not a new distinction or discovery....
Flirting with your Spouse?
How long has it been since you flirted with your spouse ? If it’s been a while, here are some things to think about if flirting with your parter sounds like fun.
To begin, flirting has a some what questionable reputation due to its association with an activity conducted with someone to whom one is not married, It’s rarely talked about when considering ways to improve one’s marriage or sex life. Let me explain why it is important for both enriching a relationship and protecting marriage from infidelity.
Infidelity and Flirting
Infidelity is a huge problem for many relationships. While there are many reasons why partners cheat, not feelling appreciated and feeling taken for granted rank high on the list.
After a few years of marriage, there is a tendency for folks to slip into comfortable but not necessarily excioting routines. As a result, they stop trying to be attractive to or flirt with their mates.
Many of the efforts made while courting disappear. The way we dress, the way we talk to each other become mundane. Little surprises and considerate gestures become fewer and fewer. Thus, romance dims.
Flirting and Neuro-chemistry
By contrast, one reason that affairs occur is because they are new and exciting and energized. People involved in affairs go out of their way to make each other feel special. That special feeling is the result of a complex release of substances like dopamine, phenylethylamine and serotonin. .
This special attention is very attractive and powerful. The narcotic-like substances that the brain releases are addictive. Sadly, when that neuro-transmitter hit is not forthcoming at home, some folks look to find it elsewhere.
Behaviorally, affairs often begin innocently with flirting, that is playful gestures of attraction which are meant for amusement more than a serious intent. However, if continued, the playful can become serious and lead to an actual acting out of infidelilty.
When taken with the fact that many couples complain that their love life isn’t what it used to be, affairs, even though wrong and risky, can happen. To make matters even worse, the technology of the internet and explicit affair-arranging websites like Ashley Madison have made having sex outside of marriage as easy as making a few key strokes .
Many marriages start out with flirting but, over the years, the playful banter stopped. The good news is that couples who flirt with each other can reignite playfulness and passion as well as reduce their risk having affairs.
So, here is some information about flirting that can help you to put the spark back in your marriage and protect it from affairs..
Stigma and Depression
There is good news for those who worry about the stigma associated with mental health.
The amount of stigma surrounding counseling is much less than it used to be. When I first started counseling in the late 70s, some men would not schedule appointments during daylight hours for fear of being seen going to a counselor’s office.
Although attitudes have improved, many people still view getting help with emotional problems as embarrassing or even shameful. In large part, this discomfort is due to certain lingering myths about mental health. Common myths created misunderstandings about psychological disorders and their treatment. Here are some common notions which are misleading and or false:
