Men, Sex & Anxiety

Men, Sex & Anxiety

With Valentine’s Day not far away, romance will be in the news. While the 14th of February is a special time for many, for others, it’s difficult.

Although the focus of Valentine’s Day tends to be on women, the day can be especially difficult for men.  One major obstacle to romance for men is the sexual anxiety and worries about their penis.

The emotional toll that erectile dysfunction takes on men is often overlooked. Because sex therapy and medication have proven to be effective in eliminating ED, many, including doctors, assume that it is no longer a problem.  Likewise, because of embarrassment, many men avoid seeking help. (More on this later.)

So today, let’s talk about this overlooked problem.  I want to share simple ways to resolve the cognitive dissonance of struggling with sexual anxiety on the one hand but not reaching out to get safe and effective treatment on the other.

To be clear, there are a number of medical issues that first need to be checked out by a physician.  Things such as low hormone levels, certain medications, too much alcohol or normal aging can cause a problem. Causes of ED: Anger, Performance Anxiety, and More

For those who do not have a physical problem or depression (We will discuss depression and sex another time.), anxiety is a significant cause of erectile dysfunction.   

Here are some tips to help with these common causes of anxiety that cause erectile dysfunction and get in the way of erotic intimacy and sensual pleasure:

Having less sex?

Having less sex?

Recent studies reveal that people are having less sex. For single folks under 40, more than half haven’t had sex in a year. This trend is also reported among married folks as well.  Americans Are Having Less Sex, So Experts Say It’s Time to Shift Our Focus From...
JIMMY BUFFETT AND FUN

JIMMY BUFFETT AND FUN

Like millions of others, I was saddened by the news of Jimmy Buffett’s passing. But I was frustrated by the term used by a number of media outlets to describe the significance of his life and music : escapism.  https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/02/arts/jimmy-Buffett-dead.html?fbclid=IwAR16ox4eBhTkMHnSUGp_88lndNnGy6KjitCVhJAHMAFGCsThb4wm1gWGOYc

Rather than escapism, Buffett understood what many others do not:  namely that having fun is important.  As a therapist I would say that leisure time is not a luxury ; it is an integral part of balanced life style.  Indeed, his life expressed this balance. In addition to being a successful musician and entrepreneur, he always found time for leisure.  As he has aid on numerous occasions, “It’s important to have as much fun as possible while we’re here.

Frankly,  fun is an interesting word which deseerves more respect. Everyone likes ot have fun but fun itself is seen as trivial and the ursuit of which is not respected. Today I want to share some thoughts to address the under-appreciatiion of fun. I suggest, that despite its trivial associations, having fun it a vital part of a healthy life style.

Given  the high level of stress so many experience, Buffett’s perspective on life is a much-needed counterbalance to America’s dominant, hard-work ethic. This stern attitude has permeated the American psyche since our country’s inception. Here are some thoughts to help you bring your work/play division in balance.   

Christianity, Sex & Shame

Christianity, Sex & Shame

Recently, I wrote about the problem of false guilt and shame which can interfere with a person’s ability to think clearly and relate rationally to others.  False Guilt and Shame | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)

Today I want to talk about shame and guilt about sex and the major source of these destructive feelings, i.e.  traditional religious teachings about sex and pleasure.  Over the centuries, traditional Roman Catholic and Protestant doctrines have caused of a lot of needless stress.  And, as hard as it is to believe, they continue to be a source of pain for many.

From a psychological point of view, traditional Christian beliefs viewed normal sexual feelings to be in conflict with God’s law and, therefore, sinful.  Thus, lacking positive teachings about sex, natural desires evoked feelings of sinfulness and even self-hatred. 

Those who suffer with this conflict need to know that this antipathy was not always the case.  It is important to understand the evolution of Christian thought and how the delights of sex found in Song of Solomon were squelched and replaced with negative views.

While complex, two major developments are largely responsible for this change:  1) apocalyptic expectations. and 2) The disappointment of those expectations experienced by the delay of the Jesus’ 2nd coming (the Parousia). Let me explain,

Stigma and Depression

Stigma and Depression

There is good news for those who worry about the stigma associated with mental health.

The amount of stigma surrounding counseling is much less than it used to be.  When I first started counseling in the late 70s, some men would not schedule appointments during daylight hours for fear of being seen going to a counselor’s office.

Although attitudes have improved, many people still view getting help with emotional problems as embarrassing or even shameful. In large part, this discomfort is due to certain lingering myths about mental health. Common myths created misunderstandings about psychological disorders and their treatment. Here are some common notions which are misleading and or false:

What ? Sex Toys ?

What ? Sex Toys ?

Sex toys ? Why would a pastoral counselor want to talk about sex toys ?  Perhaps providing some context would help.
 Being Sex Positive
An important theme throughout my career has been to allay the false guilt and shame engendered by religion and our sexist culture. My goal has been, and continues to be, to promote positive attitudes about sex.  That is, as young folks say, to be sex-positive.
Religious and Cultural Bias

First, it needs to be understood that being sex-positive flies in the face of thousands of years of religious and cultural bias.

To be sex-positive, one must feel free to have sex just for its pleasure.  While this view may seem obvious, for many, it’s not.  For many, especially older folks, enjoying sex is complicated. A cloud hangs over the notion that sex can be enjoyed just for fun.  Hedonistic enjoyment is suspect and guilt ridden.  That’s because religion has often portrayed sex in a quasi-sacred way that confusingly combines erotic experience with the spiritual mystery of procreation. 

Indeed, traditional religious beliefs have negatively influenced our culture’s attitudes toward sex.  Condemning normal practices like masturbation as sinful has created unnecessary guilt and shame for older generations. masturbation | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)

Pernicious Myths Ignore Single People and Older Adults

The indisputable fact is that conservative Christianity is and always has been uncomfortable with sex. (See St. Augustine) It sees it primarily as the means for procreation. (See Thomas Acquinas) In doing so it refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of sex simply for pleasure or outside of the bonds of marriage.

As a result, the church’s outlook toward sex ignores and fails all single folks and seniors who are beyond child-bearing years.  Further, through its silence, the church implicitly promotes false notions about sex and aging.

For example: we are led to believe that sexual interest wanes with age and becomes less and less important the older you get. In fact, barring serious medical limitations, interest and enjoyment of sex is a lifelong entitlement which actually can increase over the years.

That said, aging does change certain things about the way folks can have sex. The loss of flexibility or increased discomfort may require that some things be done differently.  Unfortunately, this general discomfort with sex prevents many couples from even talking about sex much less exploring new, more adaptive and exciting sexual possibilities.

What about Sex Toys ?

All of this brings us to sex toys and a recent article in Slate online.

BAD IDEAS ABOUT GOOD SEX

BAD IDEAS ABOUT GOOD SEX

It’s no surprise that most people want to have “good sex”.  Unfortunately, many people report that they are not having it. 

Over the years, I have found that, even among highly educated folks, much is lacking with respect to their understanding of sex and intimacy. 10 Myths About Sex That Many Adults Still Believe | HuffPost Life

Indeed, our culture is saturated with misinformation and myths which have created unrealistic notions and expectations of what good sex is or what is needed to have it. Intimate Communication: Tips for Talking to your Partner about Sex | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)  Indeed, unrealistic expectations about sex are the biggest obstacle to erotic bliss.

Therefore, let’s look at some of the bad ideas about good sex and debunk them with facts and accurate information:  

Self-Care and Protecting Marital Boundaries

Self-Care and Protecting Marital Boundaries

Recently, the news has been filled by reports of sexual-boundary violations committed by politicians and other celebrities. Having just participated in a continuing education seminar on maintaining professional boundaries   it is clear that a major factor in preventing problems is monitoring and attending to personal self-care.

Upon reflection, the same wisdom which applies to business and professional settings is also for marriages.  Sexual boundaries are more likely to be crossed when a partner is not fully aware of or attending to his/her self-care needs.  Couples who become more aware of and address their intimacy needs can better protect their marital boundaries and remain faithful.

While I have written many articles about fidelity and repairing the damage caused to marriage by infidelity, I now want to talk about : 1) What self-care is and how poor self-care increases the risk of infidelity and other boundary violations. and 2) Provide some essential tips for good self-care.

Breaking out of the Sexual Doldrums

Breaking out of the Sexual Doldrums

Because of the added stress  of COVID-19 , many couples report that they are having less sex than usual and feel like they are sailing in the sexual doldrums. (see photo) So, today I want to share some tips for couples who want to break out of their sexual doldrums and perk up their physical intimacy.   Easy Ways to Spice Up Your (Married) Sex Life | Everyday Health  

To be clear, the word Doldrum is a oceanographic term which refers to a part of the ocean near the equator which is marked by the absence of wind. Metaphorically, doldrums has come to mean listless or despondent.  If your sex life used to be great but has fallen off over the past year, ask yourself:

—  Do you or your partner seem to have less interest in sex than you used to ?

— Does the very thought of having sex seem like too much work ? 

— Are you currently having sex less than once a week ?

If you said yes to any of these questions, your marriage may be in the  sexual doldrums.

BREAKING THE ICE: 7 Tips to Improve Sexual Communication.

BREAKING THE ICE: 7 Tips to Improve Sexual Communication.

One of the most important emotional blessings of marriage is the experience of true intimacy and trust.  Good communication is essential for building the trust which is needed to deal with marital challenges and problems.  Knowing and understanding our partner’s feelings, opinions and preferences are necessary to resolve conflicts , negotiate compromises and to make joint decisions and future plans. Sexual communication is an important form of communication which is often overlooked and neglected.

While we do pretty well communicating when it’s about practical and mundane issues,  when it comes to sex, there can be a  problem.  Sex is a tricky thing and difficult for many folks to talk about. Many have misguided feelings of guilt which prevent them from speaking honestly about their feelings or desires.  Others think that  their wants or preferences are abnormal and are ashamed to reveal them. Still others avoid talking about their frustrations or conflicts with their partner because they are afraid of either hurting their partner’s feelings or being personally rejected.
Fortunately, with a little help and practice , overcoming one’s uneasiness with and aversion to talking about sex can be accomplished. Greater sharing can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship. Indeed, learning to speak openly and explicitly about sexual matters with one’s mate can be a deeply rewarding and intimacy-enriching experience.
If you or your partner feel stuck in this area or have trouble sharing feelings or concerns about sex, here are seven tips to help you to get started opening the lines of communication with one another :

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