by Rev. Michael Heath | Oct 17, 2024
Poor communication is a major problem in many relationships. In fact, of all the problems that bring couples to counseling, poor communication is at or close to the top . Why Do Couples Seek Marital Therapy? | Request PDF (researchgate.net)
Of course, there are different types of communication. There are simple informational exchanges like “What time will you be home for dinner?” However, emotional communication is the kind that many folks have trouble with. Rather than simple, intimate communication, i.e., honestly sharing what your’e feeling and what you want, is complicated.
There are various reasons why couples have trouble talking with one another about intimate things. To do so requires being willing to be vulnerable and willing to listen.
Here are some tips to improve your intimate communication:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Feb 15, 2023
Valentine’s Day is all about expressing love and creating romance; but, not for everyone. While these are a high-priority concerns for those who are in new relationships, many folks who have been married for a while have a different experience.
Many report that, although getting together sexually was never a problem in the beginning, over time things changed. The addition of kids, busy schedules and familiarity would often interfere with spontaneous exciting rendezvouses.
As a result, occasions like Valentine’s Day can be awkward and stressful for couples who have not learned how to communicate their intimate desires and carve out time for intimacy. For others, Valentine’s Day serves simply to reveal that a couple’s sexual routines have gone stale and fallen into a rut. What was once new and exciting can become predictable and ho-hum.
One reason for this dilemma is that the fact that many couples take sex for granted and assume that having good sex in marriage just happens naturally. In fact, it does not. Sustaining good sex in marriage takes planning, good communication and novelty.
An essential factor for good sexual communication is clear sexual messaging. Sadly, many couples are uncomfortable revealing their desires. Likewise, little attention has been paid to help couples overcome obstacles such as embarrassment which inhibit talking freely and honestly about sex.
Today I want to offer some suggestions to help couples improve their intimate communication and create fresh and comfortable sexual signals.
by Rev. Michael Heath | Apr 17, 2021
One of the most important emotional blessings of marriage is the experience of true intimacy and trust. Good communication is essential for building the trust which is needed to deal with marital challenges and problems. Knowing and understanding our partner’s feelings, opinions and preferences are necessary to resolve conflicts , negotiate compromises and to make joint decisions and future plans. Sexual communication is an important form of communication which is often overlooked and neglected.
While we do pretty well communicating when it’s about practical and mundane issues, when it comes to sex, there can be a problem. Sex is a tricky thing and difficult for many folks to talk about. Many have misguided feelings of guilt which prevent them from speaking honestly about their feelings or desires. Others think that their wants or preferences are abnormal and are ashamed to reveal them. Still others avoid talking about their frustrations or conflicts with their partner because they are afraid of either hurting their partner’s feelings or being personally rejected.
Fortunately, with a little help and practice , overcoming one’s uneasiness with and aversion to talking about sex can be accomplished. Greater sharing can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship. Indeed, learning to speak openly and explicitly about sexual matters with one’s mate can be a deeply rewarding and intimacy-enriching experience.
If you or your partner feel stuck in this area or have trouble sharing feelings or concerns about sex, here are seven tips to help you to get started opening the lines of communication with one another :
by Rev. Michael Heath | Sep 15, 2020
Journaling is very big. Everyone from therapists to staff sergeants are recommending it. Likewise there are all kinds of journals. There are food, dieting, workout , writing , prayer , dream , travel, reading, gratitude , pregnancy and creative writing journals, just to name a few.
Journaling is popular for a very good reason. It is a very helpful and effective way to clarify , organize and focus one’s thoughts as well as to ventilate and expel intense emotion which can cloud or distort thinking. Best of all , this age old practice can be done by anyone no matter your age , level of education or economic status.
In addition to individual journaling, there is another type of journaling which does not get as much attention as it deserves which can be a very important tool for couples who are having trouble with communicating with each other. It is called marital journaling (MJ). With MJ, partners share one journal and take turns messaging and responding to one another by writing in the diary-like volume that they share.
Writing messages is useful because, rather than speaking face-to-face, it has been found to be a less provocative way for highly reactive couples to “talk” constructively about issues which they disagree. MJ is an effective alternative to face- to-face talking for couples who frequently argue and are frustrated because areas of disagreement go unresolved . Indeed, for couples whose attempts to negotiate bog down into personal attacks, taking turns composing reasonably thought out messages in a journal can provide immediate relief which leads to greater communication and understanding between the partners . Here’s how it works:
Marital journaling works because there is a lag time between each volley of comments. This space has two benefits:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Jul 24, 2019
Intimate communication is a major problem for many marriages. Partners often find it difficult to talk to each other or, that when they do, they feel that what they said is being misunderstood. Specifically, discussions which involve anger or fear are some of the most difficult.
Certainly, learning how to speak in ways which are respectful of one’s partner and are non-attacking is important. However, simply learning to use I-statements is often not enough to enable couples to be able to talk intimately and constructively about their true feelings and desires with one another.
Thus, a major obstacle to good communication, apart from the words we use when we talk, is our state of mind. More specifically, we have a natural fear and aversion to being vulnerable , i.e. emotionally undefended in front of another person.
Nonetheless, only by overcoming these fears can couples achieve truly emotionally intimate communication. Let me explain how this is possible.
by Rev. Michael Heath | Dec 4, 2017
Sex is a common problem for couples and while some difficulties are complicated, many are easily solved with better communication. Good communication about sex begins with understanding that men and women have quite different psycho/sexual arousal systems. With these thoughts in mind, here are some common communication mistakes and their solutions:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Mar 19, 2017
In continuing our theme of improving communication skills, we come to the third axis of the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator scheme: Thinking (T) and Feeling (F). T/F is the only indicator in which gender seems to be determinative. 75% of men are Ts and 75%...
by Rev. Michael Heath | Mar 4, 2017
Another common communication snag results from personality-style clashes which Myers – Briggs classifies as iNtuitives (N) and Sensors (S). Briefly, Intuitives are folks who think in abstractions and generalities and anticipate and plan for the future. They see...
by Rev. Michael Heath | May 17, 2026
DOES YOUR MARRIAGE NEED A TUNE-UP ?
How are things going in your marriage? Are you having more arguments and less sex ? Do you feel distant from one another ? Are you laughing less and shouting more ?
The fact is, even the best marriages go through dry patches and rough times. That’s because intimate relationships are complicated and don’t run all by themselves. They require ongoing care and effort. That’s why it’s important to have a marital tune-up from time to time, when a couple reflects on what areas may need improvement. Marriage Tune-up | The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology
With that in mind, when’s the last time you thought about how well your marriage was running? If you’re like many folks, it’s been a while. Rather than thinking of marriage as something that takes care of itself, it’s more helpful to think of a relationship like an automobile that requires regular maintenance to run smoothly.
If talking about a tune-up sounds too mechanical, giving your marriage a spring cleaning is another way to think about marital relationship maintenance. Spring Cleaning Your Marriage: Tips for Rejuvenating Romance | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY However you refer to it, it’s important to take time to assess and address what isn’t working before it becomes a serious problem.
With that in mind, here are some tips for dealing with the most common problems in marriage. While a tune-up takes some effort, you’ll be amazed by what a difference it makes.
by Rev. Michael Heath | Apr 3, 2026
“Why can’t s/he just listen to me ? ” is a common complaint I hear regularly from couples. Over the years, men have been criticized a lot for jumping in with solutions to problems rather than taking the time to listen to what their wives were trying to express. Indeed, I’ve even written about how men need to listen to feelings more and hold off on trying to fix problems. On Men and Listening | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
While often true, it’s important to understand that men are not the sole cause of communication problems in intimate relationships. The skills needed for folks to understand each other apply to both men and women. Unfortunately, we don’t teach these skills in school. As a result, unnecessary misunderstandings occur.
Intimate Communication
Before reviewing basic listening skills, it’s important to clarify what intimate communication entails. Intimate communication differs from everyday conversation because emotions change the meaning of the words.
For example, when I go to the bank and ask the teller to make a withdrawal, the crucial meaning of the transaction is the exact amount I wish to receive. How I’m feeling when I make the request does not impact what I am trying to convey.
Not so with marital banter. Consider when a wife comes home from a hair appointment with a new stylist and asks her husband, “How do I look ?”
The meaning of her comment depends on what she is feeling, pleased, unsure or horrified. Intimate listening decodes or translates literal communication to discover the underlying feeling tone. Understanding what a partner is saying is about hearing 1) what the person is feeling and 2)_what they want. Characteristics of Effective Listening | Chicago Center for Teaching and Learning | The University of Chicago.
Here are some tips that will help you hear the underlying emotion in your partner’s communication.
