by Rev. Michael Heath | Oct 17, 2024
Poor communication is a major problem in many relationships. In fact, of all the problems that bring couples to counseling, poor communication is at or close to the top . Why Do Couples Seek Marital Therapy? | Request PDF (researchgate.net)
Of course, there are different types of communication. There are simple informational exchanges like “What time will you be home for dinner?” However, emotional communication is the kind that many folks have trouble with. Rather than simple, intimate communication, i.e., honestly sharing what your’e feeling and what you want, is complicated.
There are various reasons why couples have trouble talking with one another about intimate things. To do so requires being willing to be vulnerable and willing to listen.
Here are some tips to improve your intimate communication:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Feb 15, 2023
Valentine’s Day is all about expressing love and creating romance; but, not for everyone. While these are a high-priority concerns for those who are in new relationships, many folks who have been married for a while have a different experience.
Many report that, although getting together sexually was never a problem in the beginning, over time things changed. The addition of kids, busy schedules and familiarity would often interfere with spontaneous exciting rendezvouses.
As a result, occasions like Valentine’s Day can be awkward and stressful for couples who have not learned how to communicate their intimate desires and carve out time for intimacy. For others, Valentine’s Day serves simply to reveal that a couple’s sexual routines have gone stale and fallen into a rut. What was once new and exciting can become predictable and ho-hum.
One reason for this dilemma is that the fact that many couples take sex for granted and assume that having good sex in marriage just happens naturally. In fact, it does not. Sustaining good sex in marriage takes planning, good communication and novelty.
An essential factor for good sexual communication is clear sexual messaging. Sadly, many couples are uncomfortable revealing their desires. Likewise, little attention has been paid to help couples overcome obstacles such as embarrassment which inhibit talking freely and honestly about sex.
Today I want to offer some suggestions to help couples improve their intimate communication and create fresh and comfortable sexual signals.
by Rev. Michael Heath | Apr 17, 2021
One of the most important emotional blessings of marriage is the experience of true intimacy and trust. Good communication is essential for building the trust which is needed to deal with marital challenges and problems. Knowing and understanding our partner’s feelings, opinions and preferences are necessary to resolve conflicts , negotiate compromises and to make joint decisions and future plans. Sexual communication is an important form of communication which is often overlooked and neglected.
While we do pretty well communicating when it’s about practical and mundane issues, when it comes to sex, there can be a problem. Sex is a tricky thing and difficult for many folks to talk about. Many have misguided feelings of guilt which prevent them from speaking honestly about their feelings or desires. Others think that their wants or preferences are abnormal and are ashamed to reveal them. Still others avoid talking about their frustrations or conflicts with their partner because they are afraid of either hurting their partner’s feelings or being personally rejected.
Fortunately, with a little help and practice , overcoming one’s uneasiness with and aversion to talking about sex can be accomplished. Greater sharing can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship. Indeed, learning to speak openly and explicitly about sexual matters with one’s mate can be a deeply rewarding and intimacy-enriching experience.
If you or your partner feel stuck in this area or have trouble sharing feelings or concerns about sex, here are seven tips to help you to get started opening the lines of communication with one another :
by Rev. Michael Heath | Sep 15, 2020
Journaling is very big. Everyone from therapists to staff sergeants are recommending it. Likewise there are all kinds of journals. There are food, dieting, workout , writing , prayer , dream , travel, reading, gratitude , pregnancy and creative writing journals, just to name a few.
Journaling is popular for a very good reason. It is a very helpful and effective way to clarify , organize and focus one’s thoughts as well as to ventilate and expel intense emotion which can cloud or distort thinking. Best of all , this age old practice can be done by anyone no matter your age , level of education or economic status.
In addition to individual journaling, there is another type of journaling which does not get as much attention as it deserves which can be a very important tool for couples who are having trouble with communicating with each other. It is called marital journaling (MJ). With MJ, partners share one journal and take turns messaging and responding to one another by writing in the diary-like volume that they share.
Writing messages is useful because, rather than speaking face-to-face, it has been found to be a less provocative way for highly reactive couples to “talk” constructively about issues which they disagree. MJ is an effective alternative to face- to-face talking for couples who frequently argue and are frustrated because areas of disagreement go unresolved . Indeed, for couples whose attempts to negotiate bog down into personal attacks, taking turns composing reasonably thought out messages in a journal can provide immediate relief which leads to greater communication and understanding between the partners . Here’s how it works:
Marital journaling works because there is a lag time between each volley of comments. This space has two benefits:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Jul 24, 2019
Intimate communication is a major problem for many marriages. Partners often find it difficult to talk to each other or, that when they do, they feel that what they said is being misunderstood. Specifically, discussions which involve anger or fear are some of the most difficult.
Certainly, learning how to speak in ways which are respectful of one’s partner and are non-attacking is important. However, simply learning to use I-statements is often not enough to enable couples to be able to talk intimately and constructively about their true feelings and desires with one another.
Thus, a major obstacle to good communication, apart from the words we use when we talk, is our state of mind. More specifically, we have a natural fear and aversion to being vulnerable , i.e. emotionally undefended in front of another person.
Nonetheless, only by overcoming these fears can couples achieve truly emotionally intimate communication. Let me explain how this is possible.
by Rev. Michael Heath | Dec 4, 2017
Sex is a common problem for couples and while some difficulties are complicated, many are easily solved with better communication. Good communication about sex begins with understanding that men and women have quite different psycho/sexual arousal systems. With these thoughts in mind, here are some common communication mistakes and their solutions:
by Rev. Michael Heath | Mar 19, 2017
In continuing our theme of improving communication skills, we come to the third axis of the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator scheme: Thinking (T) and Feeling (F). T/F is the only indicator in which gender seems to be determinative. 75% of men are Ts and 75%...
by Rev. Michael Heath | Mar 4, 2017
Another common communication snag results from personality-style clashes which Myers – Briggs classifies as iNtuitives (N) and Sensors (S). Briefly, Intuitives are folks who think in abstractions and generalities and anticipate and plan for the future. They see...
by Rev. Michael Heath | Aug 24, 2026
Declining Divorce Rates Research Reveals the Keys to Successful Marriage With all of the bad news flooding the media today, you may have missed an important and growing trend. Over the past few years, divorce rates for first-time marriages dropped from 50% to almost...
by Rev. Michael Heath | Aug 16, 2026
With all of the bad news flooding the media today, you may have missed an important growing trend. Over the past few years, divorce rates for first-time marriages dropped from 50% to almost 40%. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
The reason for the change is not fully known. Couples marrying later, at 30 rather than at 21, may be one reason. Couples having a more realistic understanding of love and marriage is another important factor.
As information increases, more folks are letting go of the traditional yet grossly unrealistic ideas of romantic love (RL). Specifically, folks today have a better understanding of what love is and what is needed to make a marriage last
Today, I want to contrast RL with Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh’s Emergent Love Model (ELM). Dr. Nasserzadeh’s work provides a useful summary of a more realistic view of love and marriage. Rethinking Relationships: The Emergent Love Model | Psychology Today.
Rather than myths https://revmichaelheath.com/on-romantic-love/, Dr. Nasserzadeh’s model is based on rigorous research that reveals the qualities of good and lasting marriages. Beyond identifying the essential elements of marriage, this model also dispels the romantic myth concerning love.
This view posits that love is what people experience as a result of a six-factor cluster of loving behaviors. In other words, although an initial attraction may “just happen,” mature and sustainable love requires intentional effort and commitment.
With this in mind, let’s review the basics of romantic love and marriage (RL), and then the more realistic Emergent Love Model (ELM).
